Struggles

Broken, weary, raw emotions....I could go on and on. This is how I feel right now. It seems as if I spend most of my days trying to take my thoughts captive and get rid of the negative ones. I refuse to go back to my angry and bitter life, but it gets tough when the enemy slams the past into my face so many times a day. I am choosing to be content with the fact that I will more than likely not ever have my own child, and I'm even ok with the fact that I don't hink we are supposed to adopt again either. But sometimes the jealous bug gets to me and I have a hard time with it. I've been spending some time really trying to search out what God has for Scott and I to do. I know there's got to be more than we are doing, but I just don't know what yet.

Sometimes I feel like my life is just not what it should be. Like there's so much more that I should be doing, but I can't figure it out yet. And I have this longing to do so much more with my life. I question the gifts that God has given me and I wonder which ones I should be focused on right now. What is my true purpose in life?? Why am I here? How can I make a difference?

I am choosing to have the joy of the Lord and I'm choosing to be content where I am right at this moment...but please know that it's not from me being some super-christian "praise the Lord" kind of person. It's from spending my days consciously taking thoughts captive and getting rid of the negative ones...and repeating numerous times "I am content where God has me" and "I do have the joy of the Lord". Please know that I'm not any different than you are, I struggle with all sorts of things.

Please pray that I would be able to continue to be free from the anger and bitterness and that I would choose to have the joy of the Lord and be content...and I will pray the same for you.

God bless you and keep you!

Good song

I found a really good song that is about losing a baby. It's written by Dennis Jernigan for his son and daughter-in-law who recently lost a baby through miscarriage. It really touched my heart....listen to it and let it touch your heart. Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTgkjAYKgBo

** ok, I'm kind of computer illiterate. I might someday figure this out. For right now I found out it does work to copy and paste this link into your internet browser thingy and then go to it like that. thanks for putting up with my computer illiteracy....lol. God bless you!

Still Learning

I'm still learning so much from the Lord. He seems to want to teach me many lessons at once, or maybe they are all the same lesson and I have yet to tie them together.

I'm learning how to let go and let God....in every area of my life.

I'm learning how to be content (truly content) in everything.

I'm learning how to have the joy of the Lord everyday.

They all seem to be connected. When I truly let go and I'm content I see the joy of the Lord in my life. So I guess I can't learn one lesson without the other.

Because this freedom and letting go is so new to me, I have found that it's a choice I have to make everyday. I have to consciously say to myself, "I choose to be content, I choose to let ____ go, and I choose to have joy today."

I've had quite a few days lately when I've had those old feelings creep up and I have to "take my thoughts captive" and make myself let it go. The enemy has worked hard to bring me down, but I refuse to harbor bitterness and anger like I did before. I don't like the me that was that way. I like the new me that is free and full of joy.

The first day that I had a bad day and was feeling down, I was frustrated cause I thought I was going backwards. But I took my thoughts captive and realized that it's ok to have a bad day every once-in-a-while. It's gonna happen. You just hold on to God for the day and know that tomorrow will be better. You wouldn't believe how it's helped me.

I've also learned that my spiritual "health" has a couple of factors in it.

One: my physical well-being affects my spiritual well-being
Two: my emotional well-being affects my spiritual well-being

So while I was sick this past week and feeling physically down, it affected me emotionally, which in turn affected me spiritually. So I was really fighting a battle to feel good all around.

I know, I have kind of went from one subject to another to another. It's been too long since I've blogged. That's what happens I guess. I have a challenge for you today. I want you to really think about it:

Are you truly free? Are you really content where God has you? Do you really have His true joy in your life?

Don't just answer these questions quickly. Sit down and really think about it. I want the best for you and so does God. I pray that you would find your answers to these questions and are able to change the answers if needed. God bless you and I hope you feel His hand on you today.

Sacrifice

The last time I posted I told you about what's going on with us and our daughter. I have some good news to go along with that story. We talked to our daughters birth mother yesterday and without even being prompted to say it, told us that she wants us to keep her. She said that she cannot give our daughter the life that we can give her. So she was going to share this with our daughter and tell her to stay put. So in turn we promised weekly updates, pictures, dvd's of her activities (I video-tape everything already), and even a few visits.

To know that this woman really does love her birth daughter in this way, to give her up and admit that it's better here, makes me feel good. And to prove that I don't have hard feelings towards this woman, I am making her a scrapbook of the past two years with Martie. Who am I to keep pictures from her?

I still feel that we were supposed to give our daughter the option to leave. I also feel more than ever that I was supposed to be "Abraham" and prove that I would be able to "sacrifice" my daughter. But like that story, in the end, God provided another way.

I know sometimes God asks us to do hard things. And for me personally, it's hardest when He asks me to give something up. Even if I don't physically have to give it up, the idea of giving up on an idea, or just admitting that it's not mine to be selfish with, is very hard. I like to hold on to things. Like the idea of us having our own baby. I've had to completely give my desires up. And now that I truly have, I feel more joy than ever. Do I still sometimes want a little baby in my home? Absolutely! Am I ok if God never grants this? Yes, suprisingly I'm ok with this.

If I could challenge you with one thing, it would be this. If God is asking you to do something that seems impossible, don't hold off in doing it. Even if it seems like He's asking you to do something that doesn't make sense, there is a purpose in it. Trust Him and He will never let you down. I've been more blessed since I followed His leading in "giving-up" our daughter. He will bless you as well.

Old Testament Faith

Strange title for a post, right? If you are anything like me, you've read stories in the old testament and thought to yourself, "those times were different. God must have shown himself different. I could never be like these people." I have even been known to ask myself "are these people even real?"

I know in my heart that they are real and that they really lived, but it's hard to relate to them. They saw seas parted, they saw and heard God in burning bushes, they had manna provided everyday in miraculous ways, and on and on. I've often thought that I don't see these kind of miracles everyday, but yet, is that really true?

Maybe I do see these miracles, but I blind myself to the way that my God works.

I have to share a story that is going on in my life as we speak. I was thinking a bunch this morning and I now completely relate to an old testament "character."

Ever read the story about Abraham being told by God to take his son, Isaac, up on the mountain and sacrifice him? Does that not seem like a crazy, insane story? I've always questioned in myself why God would ask this of Him. I know that in the end God provides another sacrifice, but the God I know does not like people to murder other people. He's very strict on that one. So why ask someone to murder their own son?

I feel like Abraham right now. God asked me to do something with my own daughter that seems so crazy in the worlds eyes...and trust me, I've gotten some criticism. Our daughter found her birth mother and sisters last week, and she's been talking to them ever since. Who am I to stand in the way of that? I was having a hard time with it and feeling jealous because she is "mine." I was crying out to God about this and all of a sudden he just said to me very clearly, "you need to tell her that she can move back in with her birth mother and you will let her do that." I got a little angry. What kind of God would ask me to do that? Give up my only daughter? The one I waited so long to have in my life? I know we adopted her, but I love her like she's my own.

I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I screamed, I sobbed, and I finally was given a peace that God was with me no matter what. So I went to our pastor and asked his advice and he agreed with us. He felt we needed to do this as well. Ok, here goes some blind faith.

So last night we talked to our daughter and told her that we were giving her the option to live with her birth mother if that's what she really wanted (provided the courts would allow this transition...we don't want her in a dangerous situation). She has not given an answer yet, but she is seriously thinking hard about this.

So here I sit, at the alter with my daughter, waiting to possibly sacrifice her. Is God going to send another sacrifice in her place? Will he really have me sacrifice her? I don't know. The only thing I know right now, is that my God is faithful. He's always there. No matter what He will always take care of us and my daughter. And most of all I've learned that my daughter is really not my own. She belongs to God and is just on loan.

I believe now, that these people who lived so long ago, were just real people like us. It doesn't always share it, but I bet they had doubts. I bet they questioned God's plan in their life. I bet even when they made the choice to follow God no matter what, they didn't just jump up and say "hallelujah, God spoke to me." I bet they sat and prayed and questioned just for a short while.

I don't think they were "above human" in any way. We just have a hard time relating with people that we've never met and didn't get to see all the "behind-the-scenes" reactions going on.

I'm also reminded that this awesome God that I serve, gave up His son too. Only there was no substitute sacrifice there. His Son really was murdered. He was beaten beyond recognition, a crown of sharp, very long thorns was place on/"in" his head, carried his own cross up a hill when he had no strength left, and then was nailed (hands and feet) to this cross to suffer and die. All because He wanted me to be saved by His blood to spend eternity with Him. I am a sinner (as is everyone else), but His blood washes me clean and I am forgiven.

Please remember that no matter what kind of sacrifice you've had to give in your life, our God knows. And He understand what it's like to sacrifice something you love dearly. Won't you reach out to Him?

Progress

So I think I made progress in my grieving today. If you had talked to me a couple days ago it would not have been pretty. I flat out told my husband that I plan to stay bitter and angry because that's just the way I want to be. I was sick of trying to "get over it". I was noticing my energy level going way down. I literally was not able to get out of bed in the mornings...and if I did get out of bed, I went right back after my husband and daughter were gone. What kind of life is that?

So today after listening to an inspiring show on "Family Life Today" I made a huge decision. I'm sick of being bitter and angry. I want to move in with my life. I want to be an out-going, happy-go-lucky woman who makes people smile. That can use her story to inspire and help change lives for the better.

I guess God had to let me throw my little "fit" and then gently show me that a life of bitterness and anger is not a fun one. It takes so much more energy to be angry and bitter. As much as I wanted that, looking at it now...why would I want that?

And what is really crazy is that today at lunch (after I made my decision) my wonderful husband came home and commented that I looked like I had a bunch more energy. I then noticed that I did, and my house even looked cleaner for that. Go happiness!!!

No, this does not mean that I won't ever miss or grieve for my babies (right now especially Lily). It just means that my life won't revolve around her loss. I will still probably cry a little when my sis-in-law has her baby (my nephew). I will probably cry a little on her due date, and maybe even on a few other anniversary dates...but I choose not to live my life around bitterness and anger.

Isn't God so good? He was such a gentleman about this situation. He let me fall on my own, but gently picked me up and dusted me off. Then He wrapped His arms around me and assured me it was ok to miss those we've lost. I'm pretty sure He even shed a few tears over my coming back to Him and choosing to break the cycle of bitterness and even my hurt over my loss.

There is so much to live for. Like I've said before, I have a wonderful husband and an awesome daughter. What more could I ask for?

What-If?

So I have a lot to say today. I have been meaning to share since Sunday, but it took me awhile to get it out and make time to do this. So I apologize ahead of time for this being such a long post.

To start with, I had a strange thought this past Sunday. Our communion devotion was very interesting. It was a story about a little boy who had a very sick sister. She had a disease that he had once overcome. And the only hope for her was a blood transfusion from her brother. So the doctor asked him if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. He thought for a moment and then said, “yes, I'll give my blood to my sister.”

As he lay there next to his sister and his blood started flowing through her body he asked the doctor, “so how long until I die?” He thought that to give her his blood meant that he would have to die...but he was willing to do it so his sister could live.

This made me think...and I actually took some of the sermon time to get these thoughts out on paper...so I apologize to our pastor that I might not have been paying attention to the whole sermon.

I have been pregnant 6 times, and each time my baby was called home to Jesus. Each time I ask the big question: WHY?? I don't know that I will ever have my answer here on earth, and I pray that when I get to heaven that I will finally get the answer. So for now I can only speculate.

But after hearing the story, it made me think about the word “sacrifice”. What if (and this is a very big what-if)....when God was forming those babies in my womb, he told them that if the pregnancy continued that something really bad would happen to me. And gave those babies the choice of staying with me, but making me give my life for them. Or they could choose to leave early and save my life.

Ok, I know this is probably really far-fetched and might not even be realistic. This does not mean that it's the answer to the question.....but what if???

What if my babies all made the choice to sacrifice themselves for me to live. So call me crazy if you want to. But I guess when you are going through grief, sometimes you do and say crazy things.

That brings me to the next thing I wanted to share. I went out on a limb again. It was tough, but I think God will help me through it and give me another miracle. I've had this antique baby cradle in my storage room. There is a family in Healy that is going to have a baby in about a month, and I'm pretty sure they are hurting financially. The wife doesn't speak much (if any) english.

So what did God do? He laid it on my heart to give them this baby cradle to used until they can get a crib somehow. I admit, I fought Him on it for a little bit. But I finally gave in and last night they came to get it...and I watched them drive away with something I found at an antique store, fell in love with, and dreamed of setting up for our own baby. I bought it when we first started trying....without knowing the struggles we would encounter in it all.

I told you I expected a miracle. Do I think God will miraculously make me pregnant? Honestly, no I don't....I know He can, that's not the issue. I believe that the miracle will be in my heart. I believe that just like when we visited that couple in the hospital with their baby, He will glue one more piece of my heart back together.

I will have one more test before my week is over. This weekend my sister-in-law is having her baby shower. I've spent a lot of time debating over whether to go. And as hard as it will be, and as much as I might cry over it, I know that I need to be there for her. I know this is just preparing my heart for when Taydem shows up in this world. I plan to be at the hospital, and that's going to be very difficult. But if God continues to perform miracles in my heart, I will be able to do it.

So this is how my life is going for right now. A lot of tests of my faith, and I also believe, a lot of miracles waiting to happen.

For now I just ask that you pray for me, that I would be open to these miracles and the road that leads to them.

And I continue to pray for you that God will comfort you and that you will feel His hand upon you.

God bless.....and don't close your heart to the miracles God has in store for you, no matter what it takes to get to them.

Love you lots!

Days that don't exist

I name this post "days that don't exist" because I've been using that phrase a lot lately. Every week I keep counting how many weeks pregnant I should be....in a sense, counting days that don't exist.

I ask myself this question almost everyday (I even posted it on my facebook wall), "how long will I continue to count days that don't exist?" Does it every end? I know that eventually I won't be counting days so much as I will be counting years.

I know from the past, that after time I start living everyday a little easier and I don't dwell on these things as much. I start dwelling only on anniversary days, or special occasions when I know I should be celebrating with 7 kids instead of just 1.

But these are still times and moments that "don't exist". Oh how I long for them to exist in this world. How I long to be able to celebrate one real moment with my babies.

It's this letting go process that I have trouble with. I know that I have to let go of my grief and let go of my babies, but to do that almost seems like an insult to their memory. I want them to have existed in this world...even for a short while. I want them to be remembered for having been with me even if it was just for 5 or 6 very, very short weeks.

I find myself getting offended when others don't remember that I really was pregnant. I want to scream at them to remember the tiny life that was here....growing inside me.

But that's not very fair to them is it? Even for my poor husband who is like any guy...a visual person. He didn't see them, so therefore, they didn't really exist in his mind. It's like that with others too...they didn't see them, and it's hard for them to remember that there was a baby there.

I can't judge them for that. I've probably done the same thing in the past. I've probably heard about something going on with someone I know, but forgotten all too soon. And all they want to do is scream at me for not remembering their pain.

Some days I find myself longing to be in heaven where these "days" do exist. I have moments where I literally have to remind myself that I have a husband and a daughter, and even more extended family, that I need to be here for. So I will stay and I will be thankful for the time I've been given with all my family.

God, help me to remember that the days that exist really aren't in this world, but in heaven with you. And help me to be able to let go of my hold on these tiny lives and let you hold them. They were never mine in the first place, they belonged to you the whole time. And who am I to decide when they should stay or go. It's hard, God. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I have the hope that I will see them someday along with other loved ones. Please hold onto them for me until it's my turn to hold them. Amen

Miracles

So today I did something that was very hard to do. And as painful as it was, it made me feel good (can that happen?) A couple from our church had their baby this morning. A little girl (yes, that made it even harder). The town that they delivered in is the same town where my in-laws live. So what did Melissa suggest? I suggested to my husband that maybe since were in town they might like some church members going to say hi.

I know, what was I thinking. This is not my normal reaction when I'm grieving my own loss and don't even want to be around pregnant women very much.

So we went. And just like I suspected would happen, they were so happy to see someone from church show up (although we were not the only ones). And would you know that proud daddy looks at me right away and asks, "Would you like to hold her?"

If anyone had been able to be inside my head and heart to hear what happened between them, they would have been very confused. In a split second my head and heart argued, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..." and at the moment I looked at him and answered I guess I was on the yes part, and he handed her over.

It's a joy to see a newborn baby right? Yes, I admit, they are adorable and you can really see the miracle of God's creation in their tiny body. But at that moment in the midst of joy, my heart cried out, "but in 6 months this should be my baby." All I could think of was what my baby would have looked like, what it would have felt like to hold her. To be asking the nurse about breast feeding.

But yet, to see the looks on their faces when we took time out of our schedule to go and let them brag about their new little baby, it was priceless. The fact that I was able to make it through was truly a miracle from God. Could it be that I am finding that joy of the Lord that helps me keep my head up even when life is tough?

It's been my constant prayer for the last few days, that I would be able to have that joy. Maybe my prayers are being answered.

I pray for you that the joy of the Lord would come upon you. That you would find a peace that passes all understanding. That you would be able to find a reason to smile even when your heart is breaking.

I love you, but most of all, God loves you even more.

Missing my angel baby

I know, I just posted yesterday morning. And it seemed so positive, about how I wanted to have joy in the midst of trials. I’m not sure why, but tonight hit me hard that my Lily is really not with me. That she was here for a short time, but then went home with Jesus.

Oh, how I miss her in these times when I long to hold her, to touch her, to just look at her. I long for the joy of the Lord to help me make it through. I don’t want to be depressed and bitter.

I would love to have my tummy start growing right now, instead of trying to lose weight. (For good reason of course)

Oh, Lord, sometimes I just don’t feel like going on. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and never get up. To hide under the covers, and escape from reality.

Sometimes it’s so easy to pretend it never happened (I was only pregnant for 5 ½ weeks). But then reality hits me square in the face, and once again I remember, she was real. She existed.

It’s confusing to go back and forth all the time. How long until I can sleep on my own? How long until I don’t have to take something to make my mind slow down long enough to rest just a little?

It could be that in the past week and a half, I’ve been focusing on something else. I’ve found that when I have other things to focus on, I can kind of “forget” what happened only a short month ago. But when I am done with the “project” I’m hit once again with the reality of the truth.

After losing 6 babies, I should know the process by heart of grieving, but each time I grieve a little different. This one has affected me more, because I’m not only grieving my baby, but also grieving the fact that my husband and I are done trying to have a baby. I’m grieving the loss of trying.

I know that sounds strange, but it’s become so much a part of my life, that I find myself wanting to count the days, to calculate being late, and check each and every symptom. I mean when you are married for 6 ½ years and have been trying for 6 of those years (almost all of it) it becomes habit.

Lord, all I ask right now is that you give me your joy. I need it, even if I don’t feel it. I know that you are my awesome God and I trust that what You do is good, but sometimes I question it for just an instant. Help me remember that you have a plan for my life even when I don’t understand it. I do love You and I want to shine Your light to others. God I ask that You would use me and my situation to minister to women who are struggling with the loss of their baby. Allow me to hold her up in prayer and walk with her through it all. I don’t want my babies deaths to be in vain. Use their stories for Your glory. I love You and I always will.
Amen

A good example

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I'm like when I go through a trial. Am I the bitter, leave me alone the whole world hates me kind of person? Am I the depressed sit in the dark and life is hopeless kind of person? Or am I the kind of person that says, "hey, I'll admit, this stinks, but I'm gonna hold my head up high and praise the Lord anyway."

Why is this question on my mind? I saw someone the other day that I've known for years, but I hadn't seen them in a while. Last year she was diagnosed with cancer and she's been on treatments since then.

When she saw me she was behind me and I didn't see her until she said something to me. I turned around and there she was this huge smile on her face. We made small talk and asked each other how things were going. We each answered that things were going good. She wanted to talk to Scott, so I went to the van and got him (I was in a store and he was waiting patiently for me).

When he got in he asked her specifically how her cancer was. You would almost not believe how she answered:

With a huge smile on her face she said, "It's still there, in fact it's eating my lunch."

Huh? With that big of a smile and she says her cancer is not doing very well? How does a person do that? I immediately started asking myself what kind of person I was when I went through trials. I knew right then that I don't think I smile and say something like, "This is really getting me down, but hey, God is in control and I thank Him everyday for the things I do have." I'm pretty sure I'm a combination of the other two I mentioned. I get a little bitter and depressed.

But I've decided that I want to be like this friend. I want to be able to smile and say, "yeah this things kind of kicking my butt" and laugh at it a little.

Wow, what faith she has to be able to smile through it all and even laugh. When all the while this cancer could just get the best of her (we pray it doesn't though).

What a great lesson in for me to learn. I just pray that when the next trial comes (and it eventually will, whatever it is) that I can have the joy of the Lord as much as she does and maybe be a light for Christ to others going through trials.

Lord, I just pray that you would fill me with your joy so much right now, that no matter what I'm going through I would have your joy in me. Enough that people notice and ask how I can smile through it. I just pray that I could be an example like Kris is. I pray for her that you would let her live a long and wonderful life to be able to see her grandchildren grow up. I pray for you to touch her body and heal the cancer. I pray all this in Your precious and holy name.
Amen

Lily

My Dear Lily,

I miss you more than I can handle most days. I think everyday about how pregnant I would be. I think about what you would look like. I found a picture that looks like what I picture you might have looked like. I picture your daddy's eye color, such an amazing blue, with his dark blonde hair. I wouldn't have minded if you had my feet. Maybe you would have loved music like your older sister and us. You might have sang songs with me (us).

I know you must love Heaven. Deep down I wouldn't want you back here, but yet I wish for that very thing. I wish I could have held you in my arms, I wish I could have rocked you to sleep and snuggled with you, and sang you lullabies. I would have picked out pretty dresses, and pretty bows. I would have done your hair once you got your hair (since you probably would have been bald like me until you were a toddler).

I hope that Jesus lets you know how much we love you...and that includes everyone. Your sister, your daddy, me, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and your cousins. Even some of our good friends miss you....even if it's not as much as I miss you.

I hope He gives you a hug from me and lots of kisses. I hope he lets you catch a glimpse of us as we get older. But I also pray that maybe I can catch a glimpse of you in my dreams some night.

Just know I love you. And deep down I'm giving you hugs and kisses and singing to you. I'll see you someday, baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

Life is going on

I've been doing better, but yet some things are not getting better. I've been having a really hard time sleeping.

I really think I just might have to go and see my daughters counselor. I have a hard time getting to sleep and when I finally do, I usually have a bad dream about losing or forgetting something really important. Sometimes it's things, but sometimes it's people.

Each time I have one of these dreams all I think about is my Lily and how much I miss her. Which in turn starts the cycle all over again.

I've started taking an al-natural sleep aid, but if I don't take it I go backwards. And I don't like having to take a sleep aid for too long. So therefore I just might have to go see a counselor.

I guess this is part of what I have to go through with the grief process, but it's still so hard.

I have decided for right now I can't handle being pregnant again. I just can't handle a loss like that another time. So for now we are done trying.

I know that this kind of loss is early on, but anyone that has experienced one knows that it's still a very real loss.

So right now I will just keep going on, and learning to live without my babies once again. I will hold on to God and let Him carry me through.

God bless you all, and remember to keep holding on to God through your trials.

Reaching for nothing??

Frantically grasping the air for something that is not there. I am searching for that one thing to hold me up as I fall helplessly off this cliff. This cliff of uncertainty. This cliff of grief.

I have no idea what's at the bottom. Sharp, deadly rocks? A raging river? Or maybe by some miracle there are soft arms to catch me and set me gently down. Are You not the God of miracles?

As I lose my footing in life, and I'm falling, it's all I can do to reach out for the hands that catch me. Can I really trust them? Will they really hold me safe from harm?

I can't stand this out-of-control feeling. I need something to hold on to.

...But wait, I can feel Your arms. Gently lifting me. Gently around me in an embrace only a father can give.

The pain does not go away, but for a brief instant I can focus on Your love. Such a warm feeling in my heart. I want this, I really do. Your love really is enough.

You understand the pain, the helplessness and you reach out to me and say, "I am here. Give it all to me. I can handle it."

I have found my foothold. My hands have grasped something strong. Something that lasts forever.

In this life I will have trouble, but You have overcome the world. I need not fear it. You are more powerful than any pain this world can inflict on me.

Does this loving feeling have to end? Can it last forever? Yes, You are forever. And I am forever Yours. I am held in Your embrace for all time. Heal this hurt, heal my heart. My Father, my Healer, my Savior, my Lord. Who are You? You are everything to me, everything that this world can never be.

Everyday You are the same. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, forevermore. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord. My life is in You.

Fingers, toes, and a perfect nose

Yes, the title rhymes today. But that's what I've been thinking about for the past day.

I never saw my Lily Rose, I never got to hold her or get to know her. But I miss her more than anything right now.

I miss that I will never count her fingers or her toes. I miss that I won't be able to kiss a perfect button nose. I miss that I won't be able to tickle her tummy or brush her hair.

This is so hard. My arms ache, literally. I crave the smell of a tiny baby...my own baby. I want to rub my cheek against her soft hair. I want to read her stories, I want to sing her lullabies.

It seems all of a sudden there is a rush of those pregnant around me and I get to watch their bodies changing shape...looking like my body should have looked in a few months. They will hear the sound of a new life crying. They will fall in love with a new little person that was created by our great Maker.

We're taking a trip for my daughters' birthday to an amusement park, and I wasn't supposed to be able to ride the roller coaster rides....and as much as I should be excited about the fact that I can ride them now, I just can't get that excitement up. I don't want to be able to ride them. I want to have to sit content to explain to my Lily what is going on around me....to describe the scene as her big sister rides roller coasters to her hearts content.

It hurts...it hurts so bad. So much hurt for only having her with me for a short 5 weeks (in my tummy). Was she really there? Was it all my imagination? Oh if that were only so.

Lord, I have to rest in knowing that you hold my Lily Rose today. You are singing her lullabies, you are rocking her. You are telling her stories of days long ago. Please let her know how much I love her and miss her. That I can't wait to get to heaven to meet her and live an eternity with her and never have to say good-bye. Since I don't have her, Lord, I need You more than ever. I know that you understand the pain of loss, so please come and heal my heart, hold me close to your heart until mine feels a little more normal. I love you, and my love for You will never change when times get tough....it will only make me cling to you more. You are my God, and You have a perfect plan...just hold me until I understand what that plan is.
Amen

Holding on to God for dear life

Right now the title of this post says it all. I was hoping that I would not have any new personal stories to share about myself (just the old ones) but I guess God has another plan for me.

My husband and I were planning to start clomid this summer (still are I think) and while we were waiting to start it with my next cycle, I happened to get pregnant on my own. I knew I ovulated, but I wasn't sure if anything happened at the right time. It did.....and I was about 5 weeks along and just lost the baby. It started last night, and it's a said and done deal as of this afternoon.

I'm doing pretty good, a little disappointed, but otherwise good. I'm not sure if I'm still in shock or what. I expect there to be tears eventually, but for now I'm just trying to recover.

It's a big reminder to me how I need my Lord. He's the only one who can get me through times like this. And I'm not without hope. I know where my baby is. I know that he/she is in the arms of Jesus being rocked to sleep and hearing heavenly lullabies.

I still wish it was me doing it, but I couldn't ask for anyone better than Jesus to be holding my babies right now.

Even though I'm hurting right now, if you're feeling the same pain that I am (emotionally) know that my arms are hugging you right now...and not only my arms, but the same arms holding my babies are holding you too.

God bless you and keep you.

God moment

Wow. it's been way too long since I posted. It's been my tough season. But you know, I've done better this year than I have in the past. I'm learning to be content where God has me and to appreciate what He has given me. It doesn't mean I don't grieve over what was lost, but learning to appreciate what I have makes it easier.

Mothers day is easier now that we have our daughter. I remember before she came into the picture and Mothers day would come around. I'd be at church with my family and they'd tell me to stand up and be recognized as a mom. I would feel so awkward because not everyone knew my situation. That I had children, they just lived in Heaven not with me. Now I get to stand proud and I'm not ashamed.

I have to share a God-thing with you. But first a little history. My husband and I decided to try again this summer with the clomid. We have 4 tries for now. The day that I went to the doctor (last week Tuesday) I think God sent me an angel. I'm certain of it.

They are doing road construction between my town and the one closest to us and I had to drive through the road construction to get to my doctors office. I ended up being stuck there for like 10 minutes. But God had a plan I'm sure of it. The lady holding the stop sign came over to talk to me. We joked around a little and started talking about our families. Eventually she asked me if I had kids. So I told her that my husband and I adopted a teenage daughter last year. She was impressed that we would adopt a teenager. She then asked if we weren't able to have kids and I told her so far we haven't been able to. She then asked me if I believed in Jesus. I told her absolutely! Then she asked if I trusted her and I said yes. She reached her hand in my van, laid her hand on my belly and prayed the most heartfelt prayer I've ever heard prayed over me. It was amazing. She prayed that God would open my womb and allow us to have a baby.

Now, I can't say that this is the magic cure-all, but it made me feel good that God thought so much of me and cared so much about my situation that He would send someone to pray for me. It would be great it if works, but I know HIs will is perfect and I accept His will for my life.

I just had to share what God has done for me. He is such an awesome and loving God.

I hope that you can feel His love around you as much as I can feel HIs love. Cause He loves you so much and only wants the best for you (even when the best feels like the worst...been there, done that).

Anyway, I better go. It's late and I really should get some sleep. God bless you all and lots of love to you as well.

God's Will

Have you ever questioned God's will? Ok, if you said no, I might just think you were lying to me. I am finding out (ok, I've known for awhile now) that following God is not an easy thing sometimes. Especially when things don't go my way. I don't know about you, but I am a very selfish person (human nature) and I fight that everyday. I know what I want for my life and when I don't get it I pout and throw a fit.

So many times I just sit and cry and ask God why He picked me to carry the burden of having no biological children. I'm told all the time to keep my faith and don't lose hope in that, but I just am not seeing how there can be much hope left.

I'm not turning my back on God. And I am choosing joy (it's hard sometimes to do that). I just can't help but question what God's will really is for my life.

What makes me so different that He thinks I can handle a burden like this? Why am I denied the joy of going through a pregnancy and experiencing a new life come into this world?

Sometimes I think it's becuase there's something so much better, but then I wonder what could be more special than that.

Yes, I have an adopted daughter. I love her with all my heart and I would never go back and change things. But what's wrong with wanting to experience more, with a younger child...like...say...a baby?

Ok, I'm still throwing my fit, but I guess I just have to be real about how I'm feeling. It's not an easy road to travel, but I am trying my best. I'm trying so hard to give it up to God daily (sometimes like 100 times a day). Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. Something tells me though, that I'm not alone in those feelings. I would bet that there are times that everyone goes through a time like this. When they question God and wonder what they are doing wrong. Why it seems as though God is "punishing" them.

I guess that's my real life at the moment. It can be a daily struggle just to keep that joy. Little things can get to me and make me realize what I have missed out on, but nothing can keep me from missing out on the love of my Savior. That I only miss out on because I choose to. So I choose not to miss out on it. I want to savor it everyday of my life. It's the only thing worth living for.

Lord, You are really so awesome. I know I question you so often. I know I can't see what you are really doing. I just pray that you would help me trust you. To know that you can see the big picture and You will never do anything that will harm me or take me away from You. Just help me to choose Your joy and love everyday. Thank you so much and I love you!!!
Amen

Forgiveness

I have a favorite book that I have read about 4 times and listened to it on cd about twice. I should know it by heart. It's a great book for someone who is grieving over trials in life (big or small). But today I watched a movie that was on Lifetime Movie Network. (my favorite channel at times) It was called "Amish Grace". It's the story about an amish school shooting. It follows a mother grieving over the loss of her daughter in this shooting. She is fighting bitterness, hatred and anger. I think I cried for 95% of this movie. It just hit home for me. I know what it feels like to be angry and want to harbor bitterness and hatred when life gets rough. It seems like you just want to find someone to blame it on, and in my case the only one to blame it on is God. These amish people were all choosing forgiveness over hate except this woman. She was so angry and just couldn't forgive the wife of the man who shot all those girls. I could just feel what was going on in her heart. I've felt it myself.

This weekend I was with my family. I love my family more than anything. But I had a very hard time. I wanted so much to be brave and show them that I would be just fine. Deep down I am just fine....it's just these moments I have.

My niece had her third birthday and her party was on Saturday. There were a lot of adults there, but there were also some kids (her age and a little younger. It hit me that I don't get the chance to have birthday parties at the zoo. And watching these parents with their children hurt so bad.

I'll admit that I made a joke whenever I was hurting (it takes the pressure off, and gives me an excuse to laugh instead of cry).

My brother and his wife (and two daughters) were also moving this weekend and I kind of took over the job of taking care of the two girls. It was fun, I love these girls with all my heart. But it was so hard to read books to them, give them a bath, put on their pj's, and do a little snuggling. I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. It was all I could do not to cry. I actually had to sit in the bathroom for just a minute of two and cry.

I really didn't want them to be concerned about me, but I think my husband and my mom weren't convinced. But they did give me my space.

Ok, I just had to share my struggle with feeling angry and bitter sometimes towards my situation. I am better, but I still have my issues.

Lord, I pray that you would just put your arms around me when I'm feeling down. I can't do it without You. I know there are times that I feel angry, but I will hopefully be able to give it all to You. I love you, Lord.
Amen

Streets of Heaven

I added a song to my playlist.

I hadn't heard the song for awhile. It's called "Streets of Heaven" by Sherrie Austin. Some might say that it's not a good song, because it's about a woman who is sitting by her young daughters side in a hospital praying that God will let her daughter live. She's arguing with God and giving Him reasons why He shouldn't take her little girl.

But you know, it's a real song. I remember having these same kind of feelings. Pretty much being angry that God chose to take something away from me. But then in the end the woman comes to terms with her grief and allows God to have His way in her life no matter how it turns out....that is so like me now.

I posted right before this about how God is working in me and I've been slowly learning to allow Him to work His plan no matter what it is. Just had to share about this song. I think it's a good one.

Healing

I've seen some healing in my life since I last posted. Wanna know how I know this? I started on a couple projects that I couldn't work on before.

I love to cross-stitch, and when we decided to start our family (as in trying for a baby) I bought a bunch of bibs to cross-stitch. I ended up with so many that I decided to give a few away before we had our own baby. So I would stitch them up, and give some away as baby gifts (most to neices and nephews). But as the pile of bibs gets smaller, I find it harder and harder to give them away (knowing I may never get to use them on my own). So, I quit working on them. I put them in a bag and hid them under my bed (since I never clean under there anyway..lol).

Not to long ago, my sis-in-law asked me to stitch something for her oldest daughter (something I had made for her youngest daughter so they'd match). I have had it for months and months and I'm just now picking it back up to work on it. And with it I pulled out two more bibs. Because I have 6 months to get these new bibs done before I get a new niece or nephew. I admit I cried...no that's not right...I sobbed about taking them back out and knowing that after these two are gone I have 6 bibs left to stitch.

...But I've been doing something new most days. I've been reading or singing a couple hymns that have powerful words. One is "I Have Decided To Follow Jesus" and the other is "I Surrender All". If you get a chance to read the words or hear the songs they are good. My favorite version of these two songs are done by Selah so listen to them if you can.

This has been a turning point for me. I've decided to surrender all to Jesus. I am choosing to be content where He has me. Yeah, I've been through some tough times, I've had times of grief, but He's still there. And as hard as it's been to let go of some things in my life, it's been freeing. I'm also enjoying the blessings I have in life a lot more as I give it all to Him.

Is there a song or songs that touch your heart when times are tough? It doesn't have to be a hymn. It can be a praise and worship song, a contemporary Christian song, a country song, a rock song, a rap song, any song out there. I would love it if you would share it with me. I would love it if you would share as a comment what song touches you and why it touches you. It might just speak to others. That's how I've found some of the songs that touch me....others have mentioned them as healing songs for them.

Lord, I don't know about the readers, but I give my all to You. All to You I surrender, all to You I freely give. I pray that we would all find the peace of surrendering to You. God touch lives in ways that need touched. Heal hearts that are hurting and grieving. I love you, Lord.
Amen

Word of God

So has anybody thought about their list of things to be thankful for? I've needed mine this past week more than I realized. I was not being thankful for what I have. I have really been struggling with bitterness, not being content where God has me, and being angry where I am in life. Not a good combination. Yesterday after a really good time of feeling sorry and pouting, I picked up a book full of scriptures, that are grouped into different subjects that a person might be dealing with, and all the verses that are speaking to me, I've been writing on notecards to hang on my mirror or bedroom wall. I knew in my head that I was supposed to go to the Word of God when I was feeling down, but I guess I had to experience it yesterday to watch the miracle that happened. It's hard to admit it, because I have this issue with pride and I don't like to admit that other people are right (cause I should always be right...lol). But I have to say that someone gave me some good advice yesterday and until I read about it in scripture I was angry with them and shut them out. I guess that means that today I get to go and apologize for being angry with them. Wow, that's a hard thing to do, you know. Especially for someone who seems to be so full of pride and always wants to be right.

My advice for today? Stay in the Word of God. Even if you are angry. Even if you have to read it out of a scripture book that puts verses with certain subjects. Just be in God's Word in some way. He will speak to you. He's so good at that. Learn with me about the healing hand of the Lord.

Lord, I admit that I'm full of pride. I admit that I was angry yesterday when I got good advice from my mom. I'm sorry for that. Forgive me. Please help me lay down my anxiety, bitterness, anger, depression, etc. and to be content with where I am and what I have. God you have a perfect plan for my life, and I admit I don't understand it one bit sometimes. But that's where trust and faith come in. But I need Your help to get through, I can't do it alone. Please be with the ready, send your Holy Spirit to them and lay your hand on them. I love You, Lord and I trust you with all my heart.
Amen

"I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy, down in my heart"

I'm posting this because at the moment I'm not feeling the joy down in my heart. And I think it's a good idea to remember the things we have to be thankful for that bring us joy. So I'm going to make a list of the things that I'm thankful for and that bring me joy.

-My husband (who is very understanding as far as men are concerned)

-I have a 14 year-old daughter who is growing in the Lord

-I have a very supportive extended family (I can cry with them whenever I want, and they are very compassionate when I'm having a hard time with someone else's pregnancy)

-I have a house to live in

-I have food to eat

-I can walk

-I can see, hear, smell, taste and touch

-The community I live in, is a very close-knit community and we support each other

-I have a great church family (who would help me through hard times if I would let them know I'm going through them)

-I have two very friendly dogs and a snuggly cat

-I have a vehicle to drive

-I have friends who love me and will sacrifice their time to come over, call, and cry with me when I'm feeling down (Thank you guys)

-I have 4 beautiful neices and 3 wonderful nephews (and one more on the way (possibely two)...not sure what the sex is yet)


-And last, but the thing I'm most thankful for, I have a God who loves me, who sent His son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever in Heaven

Now, I probably will be able to think of more as the day goes on and I might post more and add to it. But this is a pretty good start. If I can't feel thankful and full of the joy of the Lord after this list, then I'm just a lost cause.

Ok, your turn. I want you to share what you are thankful for. What do you have to be joyful about in life? It really does pick up your mood to think of these things. I'll be curious to see what you share. YOu never know, you might inspire others.

Lord, I'm sorry for being angry, depressed, and just plain upset. I know these are normal feelings, but please help me at the time of these feelings to remember what I do have to be thankful for. That I have your joy at all times even when I don't feel "happy." I pray that everyone can have a great, big, long list of items that they are thankful for. I love you and thank you for your forgiveness when I mess up.
Amen

Living Life

I had a good experience this weekend. I've spent the last few years bearing my grief on my own (other than the support of my husband). I didn't know anyone personally that could really relate to how I was feeling. Or so I thought. There is a woman in our town that has lost just about as many babies as I have. My husband found out that she had experienced this and told me that she would talk to me anytime. I'm the type of person who tries to hide what I'm feeling. I put on a mask that says to the world "I'm fine, no problems in the world at all." So I never talked to her about this, until this weekend. I was feeling kinda low, and she was online, so I started a conversation and asked her if she still grieved over her losses or if I was just abnormal. She was so good about talking to me. She reassured me that I was very normal and that I would probably miss them for the rest of my life. But she added that I should not let it consume my everyday life to the point that it affects things around me. At first I felt a little offended, but then I got to thinking....I let it affect everything around me. It's ok to miss my babies, and it's ok to grieve at times, but I just can't let it rule my life. That cheats my husband and my adopted daughter. So I've decided I'm going to live my life. I will miss them, but I will make sure I remember what I do have. What a good lesson to learn.

Ok, now I have something to get you involved. I don't know how many people read this for sure, but if you are one who reads this, I want to know you. I would love to see if this blog is speaking to anyone. If you read this blog send me a message and let me know a little bit about yourself. YOu can share some of your story, or just share something about who you are. I don't want this to be one-sided. You can e-mail this to the blog e-mail beautygladnesspraise@yahoo.com or leave it as a comment. I have it set up that the comments have to go through me before they get published, so if you do that and don't want it shared, I don't have to publish it. I will only share if you specifically ask me to share it with others. This will also give me a chance to put you on my prayer list. If you have a specific prayer request, let me know. This is not all about me....and I hope I never make it that way. Love you all!

Lord, I just pray for the readers, whoever they are. I know a couple of them that read this blog, but if there are others that I do not know, just touch them right now. God, use this blog for your glory, not mine. Speak to me on how to speak to others. Thank you for who you are and what you continue to do in my life and the lives of others. I love you so much.
Amen

February

Ok, I'm coming up on an anniversary date. I'm doing better than I thought I would be at this point. But we haven't hit the actual day yet. I'm not sure if it will be harder than I think, or if I'm actually doing better with things. I found a necklace that I want in a catalog yesterday. It has a larger pendant that has a cross on it, and then you can get different birthstone charms to add to it. I decided that I want this necklace to wear when I'm needing to remember my "angels." I can make a point to wear it on the rough days.

Sometimes the hardest thing about it, is that I feel like my babies are forgotten just because they weren't born into this world. My biggest fear is that they will be forgotten, or that they won't be considered a life just because nobody saw them. I know they were here even if just for a short while. Even if I never held them in my arms. They did matter, and they still matter to me and God. It may seem very corny to say, but I can't wait to get to Heaven and be able to hold them and spend eternity getting to know them.

One thing that I have learned through all of it, is that God never leaves my side. He's always with me, and He really does have a plan, even if it's not what I had planned. He sees what we can't, and that's where I have to trust Him. So far He has not actually let me down, even when I think He has. I thank Him for getting me through each day.

Lord, thank you for giving me the strength to bear what I've been through. I do know that you have a plan for me even when I don't understand it. I thank you for showing me just a few things so far that make your plan worthwhile even in the midst of my pain. I want to fully trust you, and be content where you have me. To know that you won't give me more than I can handle. I love you so much.
Amen

Hard times

I had a very hard time this week. I was feeling my guilty feelings for not being able to carry a baby. I went to far as to apologize to my husband that he had married a failure. That he should have found someone who could have a baby for him. I know, I know, I was not thinking clearly, but I guess that's what grief will do to a person. It's funny the times when grief will hit me. I told my husband that maybe it's because February is right around the corner and last February I lost my 4th baby. It gets harder for me around the anniversary of the miscarriages. As well as the due dates. But as hard as it still can be, I am getting better. I don't think that I will ever get over it, but it gets better with time. I really don't know what to say right now, but I just had to put myself out there and be real with you. I still have very hard times, but hey, we can be in it together and help each other through it.

Lord, please help us with our grief. Please put your hand of comfort on all of us who need it. Thank you for who you are and what you do. I love you.
Amen

Lessons in "Facing the Giants"

I was watching “Facing the Giants” the other night. The movie has always been a favorite of mine because it speaks to me about God doing the impossible. But when I watched it, a new message jumped out at me. It was a part that has never spoken to me before. It's the part where he introduces the new team philosophy to the team. He tells them that their attitude is the “aroma of their heart” and that they need to play for God whether they win or lose. He then has a player (with a doubting attitude about winning) do what he calls the “death crawl”. Which is where a player crawls on his hands and feet (no knees) with someone on their back. He tells him that he can go from the endzone to the 50 yard line without stopping. But then he blindfolds him so that he can't see where he is going.

As he is doing this, if you listen closely to the other team members, they are all saying things like, “He can't do it,” “I bet he won't make it.” But the coach is right there giving encouragement and trying to drown out the discouraging comments. This reminded me of my life in that I tend to believe all the lies that Satan puts in my head. (you're not good enough, you're ugly, you're stupid, you don't deserve good things) This was only one lesson I learned from this one scene.

The football player is giving it his all and ready to give up, but the coach keeps him going, and when he is finally done he is in the other endzone. The coach says something that again reminds me of my life. He says, “you are the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated, so will they.”

There was a time that I was really questioning why things were happening to me like they were. I was complaining that I was a “good person” and didn't feel like good things were happening. I wanted a baby more than anything and didn't have one. I looked around at people who had them and it made me angry. I asked God one day why he would seem to allow bad things to happen to His children while letting good things happen to those that did not live for Him. His answer shocked me....and then was confirmed by the movie when the coach said what he did. God said, “Those other people who don't have Me to lean on would not be able to handle things like this as well. But you have Me and with Me you can handle it.” In a sense he was telling me “you are one of the most influential players on this team. If you walk around defeated then so will the others. But if you show them that they can lean on me and get through rough times, then they will see that they can too.” Wow! What an awesome God we have.

Lord, thank you that you speak to me in this way sometimes. I am so glad that you can use everyday things to teach me a lesson. I pray that what you teach me might touch someones heart and maybe even change their life. I know it's hard to believe it sometimes, but you do have a plan for our lives that is good for us and not to harm us. Help me to know when to question you and when to just trust you. I love you, Lord.
Amen

The Pot

I've been thinking that I should share why I have a picture of a broken pot on the blog. There is a reason for it. Many of you might be wondering why in the world I took a beautiful ceramic pot, went outside, and threw it on the ground where it broke and shattered. Yes, I did it on purpose. I can't take full credit though. I got the idea from another blogsite. It's the site that I have a link for on the right side of my page. I did it over a year ago on Halloween actually. And I was grieving over my losses. I read that other blogsite and she had done this same thing. She said it made her feel so much better. She explained that God told her to go and break a ceramic pitcher and then glue it back together. It was to symbolize the brokenness that she felt and how God can put our broken pieces back together again. She challenged her readers to do the same thing and submit pictures of their pitchers or pots. So I took the challenge.

Halloween day I took this pot (which was a wedding present), went out to the driveway and threw it down as hard as I could. My dog looked at me like I was nuts (maybe I was). Some of the pieces were still pretty big so I threw them down and broke them some more. Then I put all the pieces in a bowl and went to work glueing it all back together. It didn't take as long as I thought it would, but I had glue all over my fingers and had just about glued my fingers to the pot a few times.

Then it was done. And seemed to see my life before me. I felt so broken, so un-usable. This pot seemed un-usable now, right? I mean who keeps broken pottery? But then, another thought. (I think I heard this from this source as well). If I were to put water in this pot, it would all flow out onto whatever was around it. Just like me, if I have these cracks in me, and then fill me up with Jesus, Jesus will flow out onto whatever(whoever) is near me. There was a purpose for me.

Then I got an e-mail from someone about two pots that were used to carry water. The woman who carried them had to travel a distance to get the water and then back. One pot was a good pot, no cracks or anything, and all the water stayed in it the whole way back. The other pot had a few cracks and by the time they got back home it was empty because all the water would leak out. This pot felt so bad. Maybe the woman didn't realize that the pot had a crack. So one day the pot asked to woman why she kept using it to carry water when it could not hold water. It was not worthy to hold water. The woman said "look at the sides of the road that we travel to get water. One side, the flowers are dying and do not look good. The other side has the most beautiful flowers from being watered often. Dear pot, I have always known you have cracks, and that is why I filled you with water and carried you back. You watered my flowers so people could look at their beauty."

After reading this story I realized that God was speaking to me, about how He knows I have cracks. He knows I have not had a perfect life, but those cracks can be used to spill His Love out on the people around me. So today I pray that you would feel the love that is pouring out of my cracks. The cracks that were painful to get, but so very worth it if you are able to feel God's love through them.

Lord, let your love pour through me. I am broken, sometimes I am so weary I can't seem to go on. I sometimes hurt so bad that I can't stand it. But God, this is a part of life, it's a part of growing and learning to lean on You. Please help these "broken pots" come to know you in a deeper way so that they may pour Your love on those around them. In Your name I pray.
Amen

The voices in my head

I know, the title of the post sounds like I am absolutely crazy...maybe I am...lol. Ok, but seriously I wanted to share something that spoke to me today. I've been reading a book by Frank Peretti(sp?), and in the book he writes graphic scenes about battles going on between angels and demons. These demons in the book put thoughts inside the heads of some of the characters (kind of like voices inside a head except not actually physical). I got to thinking about how I listen to these voices so often. If I make a mistake I have the thought of 'you are so stupid'. If I don't like what I see in the mirror I think 'you are so ugly". When I think about my life and the things I've desired and have not gotten I think 'you didn't deserve them'. So many times I "hear" these voices in my head and I listen to them. They tell me I'm not a good wife, mother, worship leader, daughter, Christian, etc. What I need to be doing is listening to the voice of God (the voice of Truth). How many of you have "heard" these voices telling you lies and you believe them? Then I went to my voice lesson tonight and my voice instructor is having me sing the song "Softly and Tenderly" and the words just hit me:

"Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling
Calling for you and for me..."

I need to listen to that voice. That still, small voice that speaks the truth to my heart. This voice tells me "I loved you enough to die for you. You are so precious. I work all things for your good, even when bad things happen." I hope that you can allow the voice of God to overcome all the other "voices in your head".

Heavenly Father, I want to be in love with you more than I have ever been. I want your voice to be the one I hear on a daily basis. God I also pray for these women reading the blog that you would overcome the voices that lie to them and replace them with Your truth. I just claim this in Your precious and Holy Name.
Amen

Struggles

You know what's interesting? Sometimes when I think I have something to say or do that is encouraging to others, God tends to use it for me. When I posted about the Holidays being tough and gave advice on how to cope, I didn't realize that it would be me that needed it the most. I spent the past week struggling like crazy with depression and anger. And I forgot totally that my blog had the advice that I needed. I knew that to minister to others would ultimately be just as much a ministry to myself as those reading it. But I tend to forget that. I also wanted to share this, because I think it shows that I'm just a real-life woman who struggles with real-life issues. I'm not perfect and I will never claim to be. So if you didn't do so well during this Christmas season, it's ok. I didn't do so well either. Let's just keep hanging on to God and let him comfort us.

Heavenly Father, I struggled this Christmas season. I am sorry for the anger that got lashed out to my family members. Forgive me for forgetting that you were right there with me the whole time. I pray that even in my season of grieving that I would grow in You. I pray that you touch those who may be reading this. Show them who You truly are. I love You so much. Thank you for all you do for me. Amen.