So I think I made progress in my grieving today. If you had talked to me a couple days ago it would not have been pretty. I flat out told my husband that I plan to stay bitter and angry because that's just the way I want to be. I was sick of trying to "get over it". I was noticing my energy level going way down. I literally was not able to get out of bed in the mornings...and if I did get out of bed, I went right back after my husband and daughter were gone. What kind of life is that?
So today after listening to an inspiring show on "Family Life Today" I made a huge decision. I'm sick of being bitter and angry. I want to move in with my life. I want to be an out-going, happy-go-lucky woman who makes people smile. That can use her story to inspire and help change lives for the better.
I guess God had to let me throw my little "fit" and then gently show me that a life of bitterness and anger is not a fun one. It takes so much more energy to be angry and bitter. As much as I wanted that, looking at it now...why would I want that?
And what is really crazy is that today at lunch (after I made my decision) my wonderful husband came home and commented that I looked like I had a bunch more energy. I then noticed that I did, and my house even looked cleaner for that. Go happiness!!!
No, this does not mean that I won't ever miss or grieve for my babies (right now especially Lily). It just means that my life won't revolve around her loss. I will still probably cry a little when my sis-in-law has her baby (my nephew). I will probably cry a little on her due date, and maybe even on a few other anniversary dates...but I choose not to live my life around bitterness and anger.
Isn't God so good? He was such a gentleman about this situation. He let me fall on my own, but gently picked me up and dusted me off. Then He wrapped His arms around me and assured me it was ok to miss those we've lost. I'm pretty sure He even shed a few tears over my coming back to Him and choosing to break the cycle of bitterness and even my hurt over my loss.
There is so much to live for. Like I've said before, I have a wonderful husband and an awesome daughter. What more could I ask for?