So today I did something that was very hard to do. And as painful as it was, it made me feel good (can that happen?) A couple from our church had their baby this morning. A little girl (yes, that made it even harder). The town that they delivered in is the same town where my in-laws live. So what did Melissa suggest? I suggested to my husband that maybe since were in town they might like some church members going to say hi.
I know, what was I thinking. This is not my normal reaction when I'm grieving my own loss and don't even want to be around pregnant women very much.
So we went. And just like I suspected would happen, they were so happy to see someone from church show up (although we were not the only ones). And would you know that proud daddy looks at me right away and asks, "Would you like to hold her?"
If anyone had been able to be inside my head and heart to hear what happened between them, they would have been very confused. In a split second my head and heart argued, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..." and at the moment I looked at him and answered I guess I was on the yes part, and he handed her over.
It's a joy to see a newborn baby right? Yes, I admit, they are adorable and you can really see the miracle of God's creation in their tiny body. But at that moment in the midst of joy, my heart cried out, "but in 6 months this should be my baby." All I could think of was what my baby would have looked like, what it would have felt like to hold her. To be asking the nurse about breast feeding.
But yet, to see the looks on their faces when we took time out of our schedule to go and let them brag about their new little baby, it was priceless. The fact that I was able to make it through was truly a miracle from God. Could it be that I am finding that joy of the Lord that helps me keep my head up even when life is tough?
It's been my constant prayer for the last few days, that I would be able to have that joy. Maybe my prayers are being answered.
I pray for you that the joy of the Lord would come upon you. That you would find a peace that passes all understanding. That you would be able to find a reason to smile even when your heart is breaking.
I love you, but most of all, God loves you even more.