"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:2b-3

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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Fingers, toes, and a perfect nose

Yes, the title rhymes today. But that's what I've been thinking about for the past day.

I never saw my Lily Rose, I never got to hold her or get to know her. But I miss her more than anything right now.

I miss that I will never count her fingers or her toes. I miss that I won't be able to kiss a perfect button nose. I miss that I won't be able to tickle her tummy or brush her hair.

This is so hard. My arms ache, literally. I crave the smell of a tiny baby...my own baby. I want to rub my cheek against her soft hair. I want to read her stories, I want to sing her lullabies.

It seems all of a sudden there is a rush of those pregnant around me and I get to watch their bodies changing shape...looking like my body should have looked in a few months. They will hear the sound of a new life crying. They will fall in love with a new little person that was created by our great Maker.

We're taking a trip for my daughters' birthday to an amusement park, and I wasn't supposed to be able to ride the roller coaster rides....and as much as I should be excited about the fact that I can ride them now, I just can't get that excitement up. I don't want to be able to ride them. I want to have to sit content to explain to my Lily what is going on around me....to describe the scene as her big sister rides roller coasters to her hearts content.

It hurts...it hurts so bad. So much hurt for only having her with me for a short 5 weeks (in my tummy). Was she really there? Was it all my imagination? Oh if that were only so.

Lord, I have to rest in knowing that you hold my Lily Rose today. You are singing her lullabies, you are rocking her. You are telling her stories of days long ago. Please let her know how much I love her and miss her. That I can't wait to get to heaven to meet her and live an eternity with her and never have to say good-bye. Since I don't have her, Lord, I need You more than ever. I know that you understand the pain of loss, so please come and heal my heart, hold me close to your heart until mine feels a little more normal. I love you, and my love for You will never change when times get tough....it will only make me cling to you more. You are my God, and You have a perfect plan...just hold me until I understand what that plan is.

1 comment:

  1. It takes a lot of strength from you to put into words what you are feeling and I am so proud of you for doing so. I hope it helped you. Always praying for you and for hope!

    I love you!