What-If?

So I have a lot to say today. I have been meaning to share since Sunday, but it took me awhile to get it out and make time to do this. So I apologize ahead of time for this being such a long post.

To start with, I had a strange thought this past Sunday. Our communion devotion was very interesting. It was a story about a little boy who had a very sick sister. She had a disease that he had once overcome. And the only hope for her was a blood transfusion from her brother. So the doctor asked him if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. He thought for a moment and then said, “yes, I'll give my blood to my sister.”

As he lay there next to his sister and his blood started flowing through her body he asked the doctor, “so how long until I die?” He thought that to give her his blood meant that he would have to die...but he was willing to do it so his sister could live.

This made me think...and I actually took some of the sermon time to get these thoughts out on paper...so I apologize to our pastor that I might not have been paying attention to the whole sermon.

I have been pregnant 6 times, and each time my baby was called home to Jesus. Each time I ask the big question: WHY?? I don't know that I will ever have my answer here on earth, and I pray that when I get to heaven that I will finally get the answer. So for now I can only speculate.

But after hearing the story, it made me think about the word “sacrifice”. What if (and this is a very big what-if)....when God was forming those babies in my womb, he told them that if the pregnancy continued that something really bad would happen to me. And gave those babies the choice of staying with me, but making me give my life for them. Or they could choose to leave early and save my life.

Ok, I know this is probably really far-fetched and might not even be realistic. This does not mean that it's the answer to the question.....but what if???

What if my babies all made the choice to sacrifice themselves for me to live. So call me crazy if you want to. But I guess when you are going through grief, sometimes you do and say crazy things.

That brings me to the next thing I wanted to share. I went out on a limb again. It was tough, but I think God will help me through it and give me another miracle. I've had this antique baby cradle in my storage room. There is a family in Healy that is going to have a baby in about a month, and I'm pretty sure they are hurting financially. The wife doesn't speak much (if any) english.

So what did God do? He laid it on my heart to give them this baby cradle to used until they can get a crib somehow. I admit, I fought Him on it for a little bit. But I finally gave in and last night they came to get it...and I watched them drive away with something I found at an antique store, fell in love with, and dreamed of setting up for our own baby. I bought it when we first started trying....without knowing the struggles we would encounter in it all.

I told you I expected a miracle. Do I think God will miraculously make me pregnant? Honestly, no I don't....I know He can, that's not the issue. I believe that the miracle will be in my heart. I believe that just like when we visited that couple in the hospital with their baby, He will glue one more piece of my heart back together.

I will have one more test before my week is over. This weekend my sister-in-law is having her baby shower. I've spent a lot of time debating over whether to go. And as hard as it will be, and as much as I might cry over it, I know that I need to be there for her. I know this is just preparing my heart for when Taydem shows up in this world. I plan to be at the hospital, and that's going to be very difficult. But if God continues to perform miracles in my heart, I will be able to do it.

So this is how my life is going for right now. A lot of tests of my faith, and I also believe, a lot of miracles waiting to happen.

For now I just ask that you pray for me, that I would be open to these miracles and the road that leads to them.

And I continue to pray for you that God will comfort you and that you will feel His hand upon you.

God bless.....and don't close your heart to the miracles God has in store for you, no matter what it takes to get to them.

Love you lots!

Days that don't exist

I name this post "days that don't exist" because I've been using that phrase a lot lately. Every week I keep counting how many weeks pregnant I should be....in a sense, counting days that don't exist.

I ask myself this question almost everyday (I even posted it on my facebook wall), "how long will I continue to count days that don't exist?" Does it every end? I know that eventually I won't be counting days so much as I will be counting years.

I know from the past, that after time I start living everyday a little easier and I don't dwell on these things as much. I start dwelling only on anniversary days, or special occasions when I know I should be celebrating with 7 kids instead of just 1.

But these are still times and moments that "don't exist". Oh how I long for them to exist in this world. How I long to be able to celebrate one real moment with my babies.

It's this letting go process that I have trouble with. I know that I have to let go of my grief and let go of my babies, but to do that almost seems like an insult to their memory. I want them to have existed in this world...even for a short while. I want them to be remembered for having been with me even if it was just for 5 or 6 very, very short weeks.

I find myself getting offended when others don't remember that I really was pregnant. I want to scream at them to remember the tiny life that was here....growing inside me.

But that's not very fair to them is it? Even for my poor husband who is like any guy...a visual person. He didn't see them, so therefore, they didn't really exist in his mind. It's like that with others too...they didn't see them, and it's hard for them to remember that there was a baby there.

I can't judge them for that. I've probably done the same thing in the past. I've probably heard about something going on with someone I know, but forgotten all too soon. And all they want to do is scream at me for not remembering their pain.

Some days I find myself longing to be in heaven where these "days" do exist. I have moments where I literally have to remind myself that I have a husband and a daughter, and even more extended family, that I need to be here for. So I will stay and I will be thankful for the time I've been given with all my family.

God, help me to remember that the days that exist really aren't in this world, but in heaven with you. And help me to be able to let go of my hold on these tiny lives and let you hold them. They were never mine in the first place, they belonged to you the whole time. And who am I to decide when they should stay or go. It's hard, God. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I have the hope that I will see them someday along with other loved ones. Please hold onto them for me until it's my turn to hold them. Amen