"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:2b-3

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Sunday, July 11, 2010


So today I did something that was very hard to do. And as painful as it was, it made me feel good (can that happen?) A couple from our church had their baby this morning. A little girl (yes, that made it even harder). The town that they delivered in is the same town where my in-laws live. So what did Melissa suggest? I suggested to my husband that maybe since were in town they might like some church members going to say hi.

I know, what was I thinking. This is not my normal reaction when I'm grieving my own loss and don't even want to be around pregnant women very much.

So we went. And just like I suspected would happen, they were so happy to see someone from church show up (although we were not the only ones). And would you know that proud daddy looks at me right away and asks, "Would you like to hold her?"

If anyone had been able to be inside my head and heart to hear what happened between them, they would have been very confused. In a split second my head and heart argued, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..." and at the moment I looked at him and answered I guess I was on the yes part, and he handed her over.

It's a joy to see a newborn baby right? Yes, I admit, they are adorable and you can really see the miracle of God's creation in their tiny body. But at that moment in the midst of joy, my heart cried out, "but in 6 months this should be my baby." All I could think of was what my baby would have looked like, what it would have felt like to hold her. To be asking the nurse about breast feeding.

But yet, to see the looks on their faces when we took time out of our schedule to go and let them brag about their new little baby, it was priceless. The fact that I was able to make it through was truly a miracle from God. Could it be that I am finding that joy of the Lord that helps me keep my head up even when life is tough?

It's been my constant prayer for the last few days, that I would be able to have that joy. Maybe my prayers are being answered.

I pray for you that the joy of the Lord would come upon you. That you would find a peace that passes all understanding. That you would be able to find a reason to smile even when your heart is breaking.

I love you, but most of all, God loves you even more.

Missing my angel baby

I know, I just posted yesterday morning. And it seemed so positive, about how I wanted to have joy in the midst of trials. I’m not sure why, but tonight hit me hard that my Lily is really not with me. That she was here for a short time, but then went home with Jesus.

Oh, how I miss her in these times when I long to hold her, to touch her, to just look at her. I long for the joy of the Lord to help me make it through. I don’t want to be depressed and bitter.

I would love to have my tummy start growing right now, instead of trying to lose weight. (For good reason of course)

Oh, Lord, sometimes I just don’t feel like going on. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and never get up. To hide under the covers, and escape from reality.

Sometimes it’s so easy to pretend it never happened (I was only pregnant for 5 ½ weeks). But then reality hits me square in the face, and once again I remember, she was real. She existed.

It’s confusing to go back and forth all the time. How long until I can sleep on my own? How long until I don’t have to take something to make my mind slow down long enough to rest just a little?

It could be that in the past week and a half, I’ve been focusing on something else. I’ve found that when I have other things to focus on, I can kind of “forget” what happened only a short month ago. But when I am done with the “project” I’m hit once again with the reality of the truth.

After losing 6 babies, I should know the process by heart of grieving, but each time I grieve a little different. This one has affected me more, because I’m not only grieving my baby, but also grieving the fact that my husband and I are done trying to have a baby. I’m grieving the loss of trying.

I know that sounds strange, but it’s become so much a part of my life, that I find myself wanting to count the days, to calculate being late, and check each and every symptom. I mean when you are married for 6 ½ years and have been trying for 6 of those years (almost all of it) it becomes habit.

Lord, all I ask right now is that you give me your joy. I need it, even if I don’t feel it. I know that you are my awesome God and I trust that what You do is good, but sometimes I question it for just an instant. Help me remember that you have a plan for my life even when I don’t understand it. I do love You and I want to shine Your light to others. God I ask that You would use me and my situation to minister to women who are struggling with the loss of their baby. Allow me to hold her up in prayer and walk with her through it all. I don’t want my babies deaths to be in vain. Use their stories for Your glory. I love You and I always will.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A good example

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I'm like when I go through a trial. Am I the bitter, leave me alone the whole world hates me kind of person? Am I the depressed sit in the dark and life is hopeless kind of person? Or am I the kind of person that says, "hey, I'll admit, this stinks, but I'm gonna hold my head up high and praise the Lord anyway."

Why is this question on my mind? I saw someone the other day that I've known for years, but I hadn't seen them in a while. Last year she was diagnosed with cancer and she's been on treatments since then.

When she saw me she was behind me and I didn't see her until she said something to me. I turned around and there she was this huge smile on her face. We made small talk and asked each other how things were going. We each answered that things were going good. She wanted to talk to Scott, so I went to the van and got him (I was in a store and he was waiting patiently for me).

When he got in he asked her specifically how her cancer was. You would almost not believe how she answered:

With a huge smile on her face she said, "It's still there, in fact it's eating my lunch."

Huh? With that big of a smile and she says her cancer is not doing very well? How does a person do that? I immediately started asking myself what kind of person I was when I went through trials. I knew right then that I don't think I smile and say something like, "This is really getting me down, but hey, God is in control and I thank Him everyday for the things I do have." I'm pretty sure I'm a combination of the other two I mentioned. I get a little bitter and depressed.

But I've decided that I want to be like this friend. I want to be able to smile and say, "yeah this things kind of kicking my butt" and laugh at it a little.

Wow, what faith she has to be able to smile through it all and even laugh. When all the while this cancer could just get the best of her (we pray it doesn't though).

What a great lesson in for me to learn. I just pray that when the next trial comes (and it eventually will, whatever it is) that I can have the joy of the Lord as much as she does and maybe be a light for Christ to others going through trials.

Lord, I just pray that you would fill me with your joy so much right now, that no matter what I'm going through I would have your joy in me. Enough that people notice and ask how I can smile through it. I just pray that I could be an example like Kris is. I pray for her that you would let her live a long and wonderful life to be able to see her grandchildren grow up. I pray for you to touch her body and heal the cancer. I pray all this in Your precious and holy name.