Thursday, August 30, 2012
There was something I was supposed to write about yesterday and didn't. So what did God do? He put it in my devotion for this morning. Ok, God, I'll do it. I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like there are certain things I've had to sacrifice in life. Things that I've given up for the cause of Christ, and some things that I feel like I have sacrificed because I have no choice. I'm thinking that this is pretty normal, and I bet I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm gonna get a bit personal here. My husband and I spent 8 years trying (and failing) to have a baby of our own. God sent us 2 girls to adopt and even when we did this, we still craved a child of our own. I wanted a baby with all my being. My arms ached, my heart ached, and every part of me wanted to die because my body would not do what it was created to do. I've known since high school that a baby of my own would probably not be a part of my life, but I was selfish and wanted it my way. God kept telling me no, and I wouldn't take no for an answer. But then I realized that part of what was making me miserable and angry in life was that I wouldn't give that part of me up to God. I wanted to be in charge. But what I needed to do was offer it to God as a "sacrifice". I think there are times that God calls us all to offer something in our lives as a "sacrifice". In Genesis we get to meet a man named Abraham (changed from Abram...but that's another story). He and his wife, Sarah, tried for many, many years to have a baby with no luck. They even went outside God's will and Abraham had a baby with his wife's servant. (I can relate to their frustrations). God finally told them that they would have a baby in their old age, which they did. This baby was named Isaac, and many years after he was born, God told Abraham to take his son up on a mountain and sacrifice him...as in kill his only son. After waiting many years for this child, God now wants Abraham to kill his only child. But Abraham takes his son anyway and goes up to the mountain. To make a long story short, in the end Abraham showed his obedience to God and God provided another sacrifice to take the place of Isaac. (read this all in Genesis 22) I made a tough choice early this past spring to have a hysterectomy. This was the hardest sacrifice of my life (lots of tears). But God asked me to do it, so I did. The weekend after I set my surgery date, I got a phone call. It was a phone call that has changed our lives. It was about adopting a baby...a baby due any day now and will be ours. I still ended up making my sacrifice, but God rewarded my obedience to Him. Even if it has nothing to do with a baby, I know that others have felt like they have sacrificed in their lives. Next time God asks you for a part of your life, give it to him and watch what He does!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I had a bad day today. I don't say this because I want this post to be a "oh, woe is me.....pity me" kind of post. I want to share my day because even though it was a bad "earthly" day, I saw God work a small miracle in my life. I've been sharing the past couple days about some lessons God has shared after my "encounter" weekend. I'll admit that since my weekend with God, there's been a big change in me. My husband and girls have noticed such a big difference in me that they make comments to me how different I am. But do not be deceived. This doesn't mean my life has suddenly become perfect. I still falter, I still make mistakes. My change is the biggest in my attitude and my anger. I used to blow up at every little thing (and cussing was a part of it too) and then I would let my attitude be stinky for extended periods of time. I still have bouts of anger (for good reason sometimes), but not once have I cussed since my weekend. And like today, I may have rough days (and believe me I've had a few doozies since then) but they don't seem to last. Ok, back to my day. I had some hurtful words spoken to me. They were not spoken on purpose and the person didn't even realize that they were going to hurt me. In fact, they spoke out of some physical pain and in some weird way I think they were trying to pay me a compliment. A few other things happened after that. Normally these other things would not bother me, but when you've had a hurt, there's already a wound and it's very easy for someone to pour salt on a wound without meaning it. Normally, I would have blown up at these people. I would have cussed, yelled, thrown a pity party, and then put a post on facebook about how "insensitive some people are". But I didn't. I had an hour drive home after these hurts (and grocery shopping) and I spent the time just crying out to God. I literally was crying(sobbing) and praying. Telling God how alone I felt and that I just needed Him. That I didn't like feeling like this and I don't want it to control my life and to please take it away. Can you imagine how this looked to the people passing me...cause I was only going 62 on the highway? By the time I got to Scott City (1/2 an hour into my trip home) I was already feeling better. In fact, I was feeling better enough to share with one of those that had said words at the wrong time to me. I was able to explain my feelings and why I was hurt and that it was not them, it was just the timing of it all. Lesson for today: It's ok if you feel hurt when things are said or done. God never told us we had to be doormats. We are even allowed to be angry about things. It's when we take it too far and let it control us that it gets out of hand. If you can cry out to God and let Him truly have it, He WILL take it away.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Sorry it's been awhile. I've had quite a summer. My long journey of trying for a baby of my own (and not succeeding) is somewhat over. After almost 9 years of infertility/losing babies, my issues got so bad that I ended up having a hysterectomy at the end of May. While this has ultimately given me more peace than I thought it would, I have my moments of feeling the loss so severe that I just want to sit down and cry. The idea that I will never carry my own child within my belly sometimes overwhelms me. I still question "why me?" at times. But then I look around me at the blessings God has laid before me and I know that this was His plan all along. I was not created to carry a child, I was created to love the children that are unwanted. I was chosen to be an adoptive mom. When I was little, my dream in life was to grow up and be a mommy. In my struggles in the past year, I have often thought that I did something to anger God and cause Him to "punish" me. This is so not true. The truth is that He loves me so much that He chose the best path for me. He knew that I longed for a child so much that I would accept a child not wanted by his/her parents. I would have the unconditional love for this child that was not created in my womb. Not everyone is chosen for this purpose. When I made the decision to end the chapter in my life of trying for my own baby, I cannot even describe the peace that washed over me. I was worried about my grief after it was over, but I knew that the peace of God would get me through. When I got out of my surgery, and was still somewhat out of it, I was crying...sobbing actually. I remember small bits of a nurse asking me why I was crying. I told her I didn't know why I was crying. I then asked for my "mommy". I remember my mom coming in and asking me the same question "why are you crying?" I still couldn't answer...or maybe wasn't coherent enough to know what to answer. In the days following my surgery (my mom stayed with me for almost a week), we discussed the fact that I had woke up from my surgery crying. I had been put under for other surgeries and had never cried. We both agree to this day that it was my body and soul grieving this devastating loss. Because I woke up with such grief in those first few moments, I have expected to have such grief that I couldn't face life. Look at the situation...this was my first and greatest dream...and it was now shattered. But God is a God of miracles and He has taken my grief and replaced it with a joy and a peace that passes all understanding. In earthly eyes I should be miserable, but I'm not. This is what our God can do for devastating grief. He can replace it with His joy and a peace that passes all earthly understanding. It doesn't matter what you feel you have had to "give up" in your life. I know that the loss of a uterus isn't quite like the loss of my babies, but it's kind of similar. It is the loss of dreams. I have looked at my choosing the hysterectomy like the story of Abraham and Isaac. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son he waited years and years for. But Abraham had faith enough to know that God would ultimately take care of the whole situation. He may not have understood, but he knew God was faithful and loving. In the end, God said "no, don't sacrifice your son" and sent a ram to sacrifice instead. I may question what God is doing when He asks me to give up my dreams, but I know that my God has bigger dreams for me than I even imagined and He IS faithful. Within a week or so of me picking my surgery date, God actually placed an infant adoption in our laps. We had adopted two teen girls, but I still desperately wanted a baby. I now wait on a baby boy to be born (any day now). I get to bring home him from the hospital and raise him as my own. God is faithful!