God's Will

Have you ever questioned God's will? Ok, if you said no, I might just think you were lying to me. I am finding out (ok, I've known for awhile now) that following God is not an easy thing sometimes. Especially when things don't go my way. I don't know about you, but I am a very selfish person (human nature) and I fight that everyday. I know what I want for my life and when I don't get it I pout and throw a fit.

So many times I just sit and cry and ask God why He picked me to carry the burden of having no biological children. I'm told all the time to keep my faith and don't lose hope in that, but I just am not seeing how there can be much hope left.

I'm not turning my back on God. And I am choosing joy (it's hard sometimes to do that). I just can't help but question what God's will really is for my life.

What makes me so different that He thinks I can handle a burden like this? Why am I denied the joy of going through a pregnancy and experiencing a new life come into this world?

Sometimes I think it's becuase there's something so much better, but then I wonder what could be more special than that.

Yes, I have an adopted daughter. I love her with all my heart and I would never go back and change things. But what's wrong with wanting to experience more, with a younger child...like...say...a baby?

Ok, I'm still throwing my fit, but I guess I just have to be real about how I'm feeling. It's not an easy road to travel, but I am trying my best. I'm trying so hard to give it up to God daily (sometimes like 100 times a day). Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. Something tells me though, that I'm not alone in those feelings. I would bet that there are times that everyone goes through a time like this. When they question God and wonder what they are doing wrong. Why it seems as though God is "punishing" them.

I guess that's my real life at the moment. It can be a daily struggle just to keep that joy. Little things can get to me and make me realize what I have missed out on, but nothing can keep me from missing out on the love of my Savior. That I only miss out on because I choose to. So I choose not to miss out on it. I want to savor it everyday of my life. It's the only thing worth living for.

Lord, You are really so awesome. I know I question you so often. I know I can't see what you are really doing. I just pray that you would help me trust you. To know that you can see the big picture and You will never do anything that will harm me or take me away from You. Just help me to choose Your joy and love everyday. Thank you so much and I love you!!!
Amen

Forgiveness

I have a favorite book that I have read about 4 times and listened to it on cd about twice. I should know it by heart. It's a great book for someone who is grieving over trials in life (big or small). But today I watched a movie that was on Lifetime Movie Network. (my favorite channel at times) It was called "Amish Grace". It's the story about an amish school shooting. It follows a mother grieving over the loss of her daughter in this shooting. She is fighting bitterness, hatred and anger. I think I cried for 95% of this movie. It just hit home for me. I know what it feels like to be angry and want to harbor bitterness and hatred when life gets rough. It seems like you just want to find someone to blame it on, and in my case the only one to blame it on is God. These amish people were all choosing forgiveness over hate except this woman. She was so angry and just couldn't forgive the wife of the man who shot all those girls. I could just feel what was going on in her heart. I've felt it myself.

This weekend I was with my family. I love my family more than anything. But I had a very hard time. I wanted so much to be brave and show them that I would be just fine. Deep down I am just fine....it's just these moments I have.

My niece had her third birthday and her party was on Saturday. There were a lot of adults there, but there were also some kids (her age and a little younger. It hit me that I don't get the chance to have birthday parties at the zoo. And watching these parents with their children hurt so bad.

I'll admit that I made a joke whenever I was hurting (it takes the pressure off, and gives me an excuse to laugh instead of cry).

My brother and his wife (and two daughters) were also moving this weekend and I kind of took over the job of taking care of the two girls. It was fun, I love these girls with all my heart. But it was so hard to read books to them, give them a bath, put on their pj's, and do a little snuggling. I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. It was all I could do not to cry. I actually had to sit in the bathroom for just a minute of two and cry.

I really didn't want them to be concerned about me, but I think my husband and my mom weren't convinced. But they did give me my space.

Ok, I just had to share my struggle with feeling angry and bitter sometimes towards my situation. I am better, but I still have my issues.

Lord, I pray that you would just put your arms around me when I'm feeling down. I can't do it without You. I know there are times that I feel angry, but I will hopefully be able to give it all to You. I love you, Lord.
Amen