"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:2b-3

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Missing my angel baby

I know, I just posted yesterday morning. And it seemed so positive, about how I wanted to have joy in the midst of trials. I’m not sure why, but tonight hit me hard that my Lily is really not with me. That she was here for a short time, but then went home with Jesus.

Oh, how I miss her in these times when I long to hold her, to touch her, to just look at her. I long for the joy of the Lord to help me make it through. I don’t want to be depressed and bitter.

I would love to have my tummy start growing right now, instead of trying to lose weight. (For good reason of course)

Oh, Lord, sometimes I just don’t feel like going on. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and never get up. To hide under the covers, and escape from reality.

Sometimes it’s so easy to pretend it never happened (I was only pregnant for 5 ½ weeks). But then reality hits me square in the face, and once again I remember, she was real. She existed.

It’s confusing to go back and forth all the time. How long until I can sleep on my own? How long until I don’t have to take something to make my mind slow down long enough to rest just a little?

It could be that in the past week and a half, I’ve been focusing on something else. I’ve found that when I have other things to focus on, I can kind of “forget” what happened only a short month ago. But when I am done with the “project” I’m hit once again with the reality of the truth.

After losing 6 babies, I should know the process by heart of grieving, but each time I grieve a little different. This one has affected me more, because I’m not only grieving my baby, but also grieving the fact that my husband and I are done trying to have a baby. I’m grieving the loss of trying.

I know that sounds strange, but it’s become so much a part of my life, that I find myself wanting to count the days, to calculate being late, and check each and every symptom. I mean when you are married for 6 ½ years and have been trying for 6 of those years (almost all of it) it becomes habit.

Lord, all I ask right now is that you give me your joy. I need it, even if I don’t feel it. I know that you are my awesome God and I trust that what You do is good, but sometimes I question it for just an instant. Help me remember that you have a plan for my life even when I don’t understand it. I do love You and I want to shine Your light to others. God I ask that You would use me and my situation to minister to women who are struggling with the loss of their baby. Allow me to hold her up in prayer and walk with her through it all. I don’t want my babies deaths to be in vain. Use their stories for Your glory. I love You and I always will.

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