I have a favorite book that I have read about 4 times and listened to it on cd about twice. I should know it by heart. It's a great book for someone who is grieving over trials in life (big or small). But today I watched a movie that was on Lifetime Movie Network. (my favorite channel at times) It was called "Amish Grace". It's the story about an amish school shooting. It follows a mother grieving over the loss of her daughter in this shooting. She is fighting bitterness, hatred and anger. I think I cried for 95% of this movie. It just hit home for me. I know what it feels like to be angry and want to harbor bitterness and hatred when life gets rough. It seems like you just want to find someone to blame it on, and in my case the only one to blame it on is God. These amish people were all choosing forgiveness over hate except this woman. She was so angry and just couldn't forgive the wife of the man who shot all those girls. I could just feel what was going on in her heart. I've felt it myself.
This weekend I was with my family. I love my family more than anything. But I had a very hard time. I wanted so much to be brave and show them that I would be just fine. Deep down I am just fine....it's just these moments I have.
My niece had her third birthday and her party was on Saturday. There were a lot of adults there, but there were also some kids (her age and a little younger. It hit me that I don't get the chance to have birthday parties at the zoo. And watching these parents with their children hurt so bad.
I'll admit that I made a joke whenever I was hurting (it takes the pressure off, and gives me an excuse to laugh instead of cry).
My brother and his wife (and two daughters) were also moving this weekend and I kind of took over the job of taking care of the two girls. It was fun, I love these girls with all my heart. But it was so hard to read books to them, give them a bath, put on their pj's, and do a little snuggling. I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. It was all I could do not to cry. I actually had to sit in the bathroom for just a minute of two and cry.
I really didn't want them to be concerned about me, but I think my husband and my mom weren't convinced. But they did give me my space.
Ok, I just had to share my struggle with feeling angry and bitter sometimes towards my situation. I am better, but I still have my issues.
Lord, I pray that you would just put your arms around me when I'm feeling down. I can't do it without You. I know there are times that I feel angry, but I will hopefully be able to give it all to You. I love you, Lord.