Have you ever questioned God's will? Ok, if you said no, I might just think you were lying to me. I am finding out (ok, I've known for awhile now) that following God is not an easy thing sometimes. Especially when things don't go my way. I don't know about you, but I am a very selfish person (human nature) and I fight that everyday. I know what I want for my life and when I don't get it I pout and throw a fit.
So many times I just sit and cry and ask God why He picked me to carry the burden of having no biological children. I'm told all the time to keep my faith and don't lose hope in that, but I just am not seeing how there can be much hope left.
I'm not turning my back on God. And I am choosing joy (it's hard sometimes to do that). I just can't help but question what God's will really is for my life.
What makes me so different that He thinks I can handle a burden like this? Why am I denied the joy of going through a pregnancy and experiencing a new life come into this world?
Sometimes I think it's becuase there's something so much better, but then I wonder what could be more special than that.
Yes, I have an adopted daughter. I love her with all my heart and I would never go back and change things. But what's wrong with wanting to experience more, with a younger child...like...say...a baby?
Ok, I'm still throwing my fit, but I guess I just have to be real about how I'm feeling. It's not an easy road to travel, but I am trying my best. I'm trying so hard to give it up to God daily (sometimes like 100 times a day). Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. Something tells me though, that I'm not alone in those feelings. I would bet that there are times that everyone goes through a time like this. When they question God and wonder what they are doing wrong. Why it seems as though God is "punishing" them.
I guess that's my real life at the moment. It can be a daily struggle just to keep that joy. Little things can get to me and make me realize what I have missed out on, but nothing can keep me from missing out on the love of my Savior. That I only miss out on because I choose to. So I choose not to miss out on it. I want to savor it everyday of my life. It's the only thing worth living for.
Lord, You are really so awesome. I know I question you so often. I know I can't see what you are really doing. I just pray that you would help me trust you. To know that you can see the big picture and You will never do anything that will harm me or take me away from You. Just help me to choose Your joy and love everyday. Thank you so much and I love you!!!