Wednesday, November 23, 2011
It seems for me, that I tend to grieve quite awhile after a significant loss. For instance, I lost my grandmother this summer and I really started grieving for her this fall. I've had times where I start crying and just can't stop. The same goes for my Isaac. I lost him on October 28th and I'm just now really getting to where I grieve over him. I can't sleep at night, and I think about him quite a bit during the day. But no matter how much I miss him and want to cry, I just can't. I know that it's in there, but it won't come out. I don't know if I'm afraid to start crying because I think it may not end. Or if I just hurt so bad, my body is saying no to crying. The other night I had to watch an extremely sad movie in order to have a good cry. But as soon as the movie was over, I was done crying. I've been up for quite awhile now and can't sleep...but I am still not able to cry. I know it will happen, I just know it. I pray that it's at an appropriate time. I am trusting God that He knows what He's doing. I know He's with me and carrying me through all of this. I even started having bad dreams when I sleep (at night or napping). I dream about having a baby and then the baby either dies or just goes away. I even had one dream that the baby turned into a kitten and my cat took it away. I know it seems silly to hear about it...but at the time I was just devastated and woke up crying. One other one, I had the baby and then I kept losing the blanket to wrap her up in...and eventually she just froze to death cause I couldn't keep the blankie on her. I know these dreams have some kind of significance of what is going on in my mind about this. But for now I just continue to go day by day and try and find joy in all the little things around me. It's all that keeps me going right now.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I haven't posted on this blog for quite awhile. I was so out of sorts. I only now feel like I'm starting to get in touch with the real me. I am still praying that this blog will touch the women who need a special touch. The loss of a baby is so hard and I hope that women would be able to come here and read something to encourage their walk through the grieving process. I myself am in the middle of fresh grief. So I guess it's time to put another post on here and just lay it all out. I started a new diet to help with fertility. I started eating gluten-free. It helped me lose some weight and it actually regulated my cycle quite a bit. It was so exciting to know that something was actually going to work. In October, I waited and waited to get my cycle. But it never came and never came. So about the middle of October (around my anniversary) I started doing pregnancy tests. I got two that came out very, very faint positive. Then after that they went back to negative. With all that happens to me, the thought crossed my mind that I might have just been wrong...except for the fact that I had all the symptoms...and in spite of being gluten-free and having just lost weight doing this, I was gaining like 3 pounds every week. In my heart, I knew that those two tests were right, but it's so easy to second-guess yourself. I mean when you want something with all your heart, you can easily fool your mind into thinking something that's not true. A week after my anniversary I started spotting. So naturally, I decided that I just imagined the lines on the two tests. I was ok, cause I was just gonna get through my period and then just try again. After a week of some spotting off and on, I started getting "the cramps". I normally don't get cramps with my cycle, and the few times I've had a few cramps they don't feel like these. With the cramping I started bleeding very, very heavy. The pain kept me either in bed or in the recliner with a heat pad. So I knew what was happening. I let it all happen and figured that since it was so early on, that everything just passed with the large clots I was passing. But a week after the heavy bleeding started, the bleeding slowed way down...but that was when I started passing the tissue. It was very different to the clots...and you could see what it was. I was able to show my husband and my mom what it was. This was my 8th miscarriage, and it was the first time I was able to save the tissue of my baby. We decided on a boys name, Isaac Samuel, and he now rests under a tree in our backyard. I hope you don't think I'm crazy that I had a small burial/funeral for my baby. But it brought closure to me that I've never really had with the others. I had evidence of him being here. I know this was a lot of information. And so some it might be way more information than they wanted to know. But know that I'm still grieving and that it's normal to grieve even when others don't understand. And no matter what, I will be here for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on, someone to pray with them, or just to sit and listen to venting. I'm here for you. Lord, I pray for your comfort, not only for me in this time, but for other women who have been through this, or are going through it now. I pray that You would use the trials in my life to touch those who need a special touch. I am Yours, Lord. Use me. Amen