Delayed Grief

It seems for me, that I tend to grieve quite awhile after a significant loss. For instance, I lost my grandmother this summer and I really started grieving for her this fall. I've had times where I start crying and just can't stop. The same goes for my Isaac. I lost him on October 28th and I'm just now really getting to where I grieve over him. I can't sleep at night, and I think about him quite a bit during the day. But no matter how much I miss him and want to cry, I just can't. I know that it's in there, but it won't come out. I don't know if I'm afraid to start crying because I think it may not end. Or if I just hurt so bad, my body is saying no to crying. The other night I had to watch an extremely sad movie in order to have a good cry. But as soon as the movie was over, I was done crying. I've been up for quite awhile now and can't sleep...but I am still not able to cry. I know it will happen, I just know it. I pray that it's at an appropriate time. I am trusting God that He knows what He's doing. I know He's with me and carrying me through all of this. I even started having bad dreams when I sleep (at night or napping). I dream about having a baby and then the baby either dies or just goes away. I even had one dream that the baby turned into a kitten and my cat took it away. I know it seems silly to hear about it...but at the time I was just devastated and woke up crying. One other one, I had the baby and then I kept losing the blanket to wrap her up in...and eventually she just froze to death cause I couldn't keep the blankie on her. I know these dreams have some kind of significance of what is going on in my mind about this. But for now I just continue to go day by day and try and find joy in all the little things around me. It's all that keeps me going right now.

Nothing wrong with grief

I haven't posted on this blog for quite awhile. I was so out of sorts. I only now feel like I'm starting to get in touch with the real me. I am still praying that this blog will touch the women who need a special touch. The loss of a baby is so hard and I hope that women would be able to come here and read something to encourage their walk through the grieving process. I myself am in the middle of fresh grief. So I guess it's time to put another post on here and just lay it all out. I started a new diet to help with fertility. I started eating gluten-free. It helped me lose some weight and it actually regulated my cycle quite a bit. It was so exciting to know that something was actually going to work. In October, I waited and waited to get my cycle. But it never came and never came. So about the middle of October (around my anniversary) I started doing pregnancy tests. I got two that came out very, very faint positive. Then after that they went back to negative. With all that happens to me, the thought crossed my mind that I might have just been wrong...except for the fact that I had all the symptoms...and in spite of being gluten-free and having just lost weight doing this, I was gaining like 3 pounds every week. In my heart, I knew that those two tests were right, but it's so easy to second-guess yourself. I mean when you want something with all your heart, you can easily fool your mind into thinking something that's not true. A week after my anniversary I started spotting. So naturally, I decided that I just imagined the lines on the two tests. I was ok, cause I was just gonna get through my period and then just try again. After a week of some spotting off and on, I started getting "the cramps". I normally don't get cramps with my cycle, and the few times I've had a few cramps they don't feel like these. With the cramping I started bleeding very, very heavy. The pain kept me either in bed or in the recliner with a heat pad. So I knew what was happening. I let it all happen and figured that since it was so early on, that everything just passed with the large clots I was passing. But a week after the heavy bleeding started, the bleeding slowed way down...but that was when I started passing the tissue. It was very different to the clots...and you could see what it was. I was able to show my husband and my mom what it was. This was my 8th miscarriage, and it was the first time I was able to save the tissue of my baby. We decided on a boys name, Isaac Samuel, and he now rests under a tree in our backyard. I hope you don't think I'm crazy that I had a small burial/funeral for my baby. But it brought closure to me that I've never really had with the others. I had evidence of him being here. I know this was a lot of information. And so some it might be way more information than they wanted to know. But know that I'm still grieving and that it's normal to grieve even when others don't understand. And no matter what, I will be here for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on, someone to pray with them, or just to sit and listen to venting. I'm here for you. Lord, I pray for your comfort, not only for me in this time, but for other women who have been through this, or are going through it now. I pray that You would use the trials in my life to touch those who need a special touch. I am Yours, Lord. Use me. Amen

"Heart-Attack"

My heart hurts. And I am talking literally. No, I'm not having a heart-attack, at least not in the sense of a medical one. I'm having a really rough day for some reason. I am starting to feel this weird panic. I'm not one to get panicked for no reason, but as I sit in front of my parents tv, I'm having trouble breathing and my chest feels a tightness. I have a lump in my throat and I'm fighting tears.

Why is it that I am doing so well, I've accepted what very well could be my fate, and then it all falls apart? It hasn't made me cry for quite awhile. Then all of a sudden I feel an overwhelming longing that's been absent for months.

I need you, Lord. I'm falling and I need you to catch me. I'm longing for things that make me crazy, and I don't even know that I should be longing for them.

God, please tell me why it feels like when I desire something and I can't ever seem to have what I long for? It's making me crazy to wonder what it is you have in store for me if I'm not supposed to have what I want. I don't want to be out of Your will, but I want to have something. What do you really want from me? Please tell me. I want music, a baby, and my own house (in a certain place)....can I please have at least one of those?

I love you, Lord and I always will. I will never leave your side. I just want to kow what you want for my life. I want to know that I have a purpose. Please don't let me just sit quietly by myself not using my gifts for what you want.

Lord, I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. Please wrap your arms around me today and help me feel better.

Beauty for Ashes

I'm seeing some beauty come from ashes here lately. I'm still learning, I don't have it all yet...or do I ever plan to have it all together here on earth.

My husband and I made a decision (for the good of our family) that was the hardest thing for me to make. We are no longer trying to have any more kids. We really feel like we aren't supposed to have any more kids than our precious adopted daughter.

I say it like it's nothing, and I've even had people tell me that I'm taking it so well and saying it with so much peace and joy. I do feel a peace and I pray continuously for God's joy to be in my heart...but there are some days and moments that I wonder how I'll ever cope. I see or hear about babies and children and there is a little sting to my heart (like a bee sting) and I have a moment I'd like to just sit and cry. I do allow myself some moments to shed a tear or two, but I try not to let myself linger in my "pity" as I have come to call it. I don't want sadness to take control of my life anymore like it used to. I enjoy having the Joy of the Lord in my life no matter what happens.

I guess I just needed to share this because I was having a moment and this is my way of getting it out. I love the healing that's been done in my life, but I do have moments when I feel bad for myself (just for that moment). Just keep praying for me that I will stick with Gods plan for me. I'm an open canvas right now and I'm leaving the painting to God.

I pray that you reading this can find the joy and peace of God if you have not already. It's so much more free than anger, sadness, and other feelings that go along with that. I'm praying for you. Let me know if there's anything you would like for me to pray for specifically. I'm willing to stand with you in prayer! Love you.

God-moments

I had a very awesome God-moment last night and today. I found out last night that a couple in my town (who have had at least one miscarriage) are 12 weeks pregnant once again. While there was a part of me that was excited for them (cause I know what it's like to lose a baby), there was another part of me that was feeling jealous, hurt, and even a little angry that it wasn't me getting the blessing.

I admit I felt bad that those were some of my first thoughts. Then I wanted to cry. While crying is not always a bad thing, I was not at a place where I needed a pity party. If I allowed myself to feel bad any longer than I did, I was going to sit there and be stuck. So what did I do?

I did the only thing I could to help me out of the pit. I prayed and read my Bible. I prayed and asked forgiveness for my jealousy, and specifically prayed for this new life and the blessing that he or she will be for the parents. I prayed protection over the baby and that the pregnancy would be happy and healthy. Then I asked God to just be my comfort when it seemed as if there was no comfort on earth. I then studied a few verses about how God comforts us in times of trials.

I felt so much better last night and I was able to sleep great and not even wallow in my self-pity. Then I woke up this morning and I didn't even think about my hurt from last night. I couldn't believe the freedom and joy that I was feeling in that moment.

Ok, no, I'm not superwoman. I'm not able to get over things with super-human strength of my own. There are even days that I have to give up my selfish feelings a hundred times. But I've also found that the more I give it up, the less I have to do it on an hourly (or minute-by-minute basis).

Freedom does not come over-night. How well I know this. It's a process. It will take many "over-nights" and many days of struggling. But may I just say that the moment that you are able to be totally free and experience the joy of the Lord in the midst of your toughest trial, it is like flying as free as a bird. Soaring above the earth without a care in the world.

Only when you reach this point can you even know what I'm talking about. But I pray right now that as you read this, if you do not know this kind of joy and freedom, that God would lead you down the path to this. It's the only true way to live your life.

Heavenly Father,
I pray for this reader. I pray that you would allow them to experience true freedom and true joy that is from You. To feel as if they are flying above the earth without a care in the world, even in the midst of their trials. God, You are the God of miracles, of healing, and of broken chains. Break chains and perform miracles in these precious hearts.
In Your Precious and Holy Name we pray,
Amen