"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:2b-3

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Saturday, August 21, 2010

Days that don't exist

I name this post "days that don't exist" because I've been using that phrase a lot lately. Every week I keep counting how many weeks pregnant I should be....in a sense, counting days that don't exist.

I ask myself this question almost everyday (I even posted it on my facebook wall), "how long will I continue to count days that don't exist?" Does it every end? I know that eventually I won't be counting days so much as I will be counting years.

I know from the past, that after time I start living everyday a little easier and I don't dwell on these things as much. I start dwelling only on anniversary days, or special occasions when I know I should be celebrating with 7 kids instead of just 1.

But these are still times and moments that "don't exist". Oh how I long for them to exist in this world. How I long to be able to celebrate one real moment with my babies.

It's this letting go process that I have trouble with. I know that I have to let go of my grief and let go of my babies, but to do that almost seems like an insult to their memory. I want them to have existed in this world...even for a short while. I want them to be remembered for having been with me even if it was just for 5 or 6 very, very short weeks.

I find myself getting offended when others don't remember that I really was pregnant. I want to scream at them to remember the tiny life that was here....growing inside me.

But that's not very fair to them is it? Even for my poor husband who is like any guy...a visual person. He didn't see them, so therefore, they didn't really exist in his mind. It's like that with others too...they didn't see them, and it's hard for them to remember that there was a baby there.

I can't judge them for that. I've probably done the same thing in the past. I've probably heard about something going on with someone I know, but forgotten all too soon. And all they want to do is scream at me for not remembering their pain.

Some days I find myself longing to be in heaven where these "days" do exist. I have moments where I literally have to remind myself that I have a husband and a daughter, and even more extended family, that I need to be here for. So I will stay and I will be thankful for the time I've been given with all my family.

God, help me to remember that the days that exist really aren't in this world, but in heaven with you. And help me to be able to let go of my hold on these tiny lives and let you hold them. They were never mine in the first place, they belonged to you the whole time. And who am I to decide when they should stay or go. It's hard, God. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I have the hope that I will see them someday along with other loved ones. Please hold onto them for me until it's my turn to hold them. Amen

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