Lily

My Dear Lily,

I miss you more than I can handle most days. I think everyday about how pregnant I would be. I think about what you would look like. I found a picture that looks like what I picture you might have looked like. I picture your daddy's eye color, such an amazing blue, with his dark blonde hair. I wouldn't have minded if you had my feet. Maybe you would have loved music like your older sister and us. You might have sang songs with me (us).

I know you must love Heaven. Deep down I wouldn't want you back here, but yet I wish for that very thing. I wish I could have held you in my arms, I wish I could have rocked you to sleep and snuggled with you, and sang you lullabies. I would have picked out pretty dresses, and pretty bows. I would have done your hair once you got your hair (since you probably would have been bald like me until you were a toddler).

I hope that Jesus lets you know how much we love you...and that includes everyone. Your sister, your daddy, me, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and your cousins. Even some of our good friends miss you....even if it's not as much as I miss you.

I hope He gives you a hug from me and lots of kisses. I hope he lets you catch a glimpse of us as we get older. But I also pray that maybe I can catch a glimpse of you in my dreams some night.

Just know I love you. And deep down I'm giving you hugs and kisses and singing to you. I'll see you someday, baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

Life is going on

I've been doing better, but yet some things are not getting better. I've been having a really hard time sleeping.

I really think I just might have to go and see my daughters counselor. I have a hard time getting to sleep and when I finally do, I usually have a bad dream about losing or forgetting something really important. Sometimes it's things, but sometimes it's people.

Each time I have one of these dreams all I think about is my Lily and how much I miss her. Which in turn starts the cycle all over again.

I've started taking an al-natural sleep aid, but if I don't take it I go backwards. And I don't like having to take a sleep aid for too long. So therefore I just might have to go see a counselor.

I guess this is part of what I have to go through with the grief process, but it's still so hard.

I have decided for right now I can't handle being pregnant again. I just can't handle a loss like that another time. So for now we are done trying.

I know that this kind of loss is early on, but anyone that has experienced one knows that it's still a very real loss.

So right now I will just keep going on, and learning to live without my babies once again. I will hold on to God and let Him carry me through.

God bless you all, and remember to keep holding on to God through your trials.

Reaching for nothing??

Frantically grasping the air for something that is not there. I am searching for that one thing to hold me up as I fall helplessly off this cliff. This cliff of uncertainty. This cliff of grief.

I have no idea what's at the bottom. Sharp, deadly rocks? A raging river? Or maybe by some miracle there are soft arms to catch me and set me gently down. Are You not the God of miracles?

As I lose my footing in life, and I'm falling, it's all I can do to reach out for the hands that catch me. Can I really trust them? Will they really hold me safe from harm?

I can't stand this out-of-control feeling. I need something to hold on to.

...But wait, I can feel Your arms. Gently lifting me. Gently around me in an embrace only a father can give.

The pain does not go away, but for a brief instant I can focus on Your love. Such a warm feeling in my heart. I want this, I really do. Your love really is enough.

You understand the pain, the helplessness and you reach out to me and say, "I am here. Give it all to me. I can handle it."

I have found my foothold. My hands have grasped something strong. Something that lasts forever.

In this life I will have trouble, but You have overcome the world. I need not fear it. You are more powerful than any pain this world can inflict on me.

Does this loving feeling have to end? Can it last forever? Yes, You are forever. And I am forever Yours. I am held in Your embrace for all time. Heal this hurt, heal my heart. My Father, my Healer, my Savior, my Lord. Who are You? You are everything to me, everything that this world can never be.

Everyday You are the same. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, forevermore. Thank You, Lord. Thank You, Lord. My life is in You.

Fingers, toes, and a perfect nose

Yes, the title rhymes today. But that's what I've been thinking about for the past day.

I never saw my Lily Rose, I never got to hold her or get to know her. But I miss her more than anything right now.

I miss that I will never count her fingers or her toes. I miss that I won't be able to kiss a perfect button nose. I miss that I won't be able to tickle her tummy or brush her hair.

This is so hard. My arms ache, literally. I crave the smell of a tiny baby...my own baby. I want to rub my cheek against her soft hair. I want to read her stories, I want to sing her lullabies.

It seems all of a sudden there is a rush of those pregnant around me and I get to watch their bodies changing shape...looking like my body should have looked in a few months. They will hear the sound of a new life crying. They will fall in love with a new little person that was created by our great Maker.

We're taking a trip for my daughters' birthday to an amusement park, and I wasn't supposed to be able to ride the roller coaster rides....and as much as I should be excited about the fact that I can ride them now, I just can't get that excitement up. I don't want to be able to ride them. I want to have to sit content to explain to my Lily what is going on around me....to describe the scene as her big sister rides roller coasters to her hearts content.

It hurts...it hurts so bad. So much hurt for only having her with me for a short 5 weeks (in my tummy). Was she really there? Was it all my imagination? Oh if that were only so.

Lord, I have to rest in knowing that you hold my Lily Rose today. You are singing her lullabies, you are rocking her. You are telling her stories of days long ago. Please let her know how much I love her and miss her. That I can't wait to get to heaven to meet her and live an eternity with her and never have to say good-bye. Since I don't have her, Lord, I need You more than ever. I know that you understand the pain of loss, so please come and heal my heart, hold me close to your heart until mine feels a little more normal. I love you, and my love for You will never change when times get tough....it will only make me cling to you more. You are my God, and You have a perfect plan...just hold me until I understand what that plan is.
Amen