Hard times

I had a very hard time this week. I was feeling my guilty feelings for not being able to carry a baby. I went to far as to apologize to my husband that he had married a failure. That he should have found someone who could have a baby for him. I know, I know, I was not thinking clearly, but I guess that's what grief will do to a person. It's funny the times when grief will hit me. I told my husband that maybe it's because February is right around the corner and last February I lost my 4th baby. It gets harder for me around the anniversary of the miscarriages. As well as the due dates. But as hard as it still can be, I am getting better. I don't think that I will ever get over it, but it gets better with time. I really don't know what to say right now, but I just had to put myself out there and be real with you. I still have very hard times, but hey, we can be in it together and help each other through it.

Lord, please help us with our grief. Please put your hand of comfort on all of us who need it. Thank you for who you are and what you do. I love you.
Amen

Lessons in "Facing the Giants"

I was watching “Facing the Giants” the other night. The movie has always been a favorite of mine because it speaks to me about God doing the impossible. But when I watched it, a new message jumped out at me. It was a part that has never spoken to me before. It's the part where he introduces the new team philosophy to the team. He tells them that their attitude is the “aroma of their heart” and that they need to play for God whether they win or lose. He then has a player (with a doubting attitude about winning) do what he calls the “death crawl”. Which is where a player crawls on his hands and feet (no knees) with someone on their back. He tells him that he can go from the endzone to the 50 yard line without stopping. But then he blindfolds him so that he can't see where he is going.

As he is doing this, if you listen closely to the other team members, they are all saying things like, “He can't do it,” “I bet he won't make it.” But the coach is right there giving encouragement and trying to drown out the discouraging comments. This reminded me of my life in that I tend to believe all the lies that Satan puts in my head. (you're not good enough, you're ugly, you're stupid, you don't deserve good things) This was only one lesson I learned from this one scene.

The football player is giving it his all and ready to give up, but the coach keeps him going, and when he is finally done he is in the other endzone. The coach says something that again reminds me of my life. He says, “you are the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated, so will they.”

There was a time that I was really questioning why things were happening to me like they were. I was complaining that I was a “good person” and didn't feel like good things were happening. I wanted a baby more than anything and didn't have one. I looked around at people who had them and it made me angry. I asked God one day why he would seem to allow bad things to happen to His children while letting good things happen to those that did not live for Him. His answer shocked me....and then was confirmed by the movie when the coach said what he did. God said, “Those other people who don't have Me to lean on would not be able to handle things like this as well. But you have Me and with Me you can handle it.” In a sense he was telling me “you are one of the most influential players on this team. If you walk around defeated then so will the others. But if you show them that they can lean on me and get through rough times, then they will see that they can too.” Wow! What an awesome God we have.

Lord, thank you that you speak to me in this way sometimes. I am so glad that you can use everyday things to teach me a lesson. I pray that what you teach me might touch someones heart and maybe even change their life. I know it's hard to believe it sometimes, but you do have a plan for our lives that is good for us and not to harm us. Help me to know when to question you and when to just trust you. I love you, Lord.
Amen

The Pot

I've been thinking that I should share why I have a picture of a broken pot on the blog. There is a reason for it. Many of you might be wondering why in the world I took a beautiful ceramic pot, went outside, and threw it on the ground where it broke and shattered. Yes, I did it on purpose. I can't take full credit though. I got the idea from another blogsite. It's the site that I have a link for on the right side of my page. I did it over a year ago on Halloween actually. And I was grieving over my losses. I read that other blogsite and she had done this same thing. She said it made her feel so much better. She explained that God told her to go and break a ceramic pitcher and then glue it back together. It was to symbolize the brokenness that she felt and how God can put our broken pieces back together again. She challenged her readers to do the same thing and submit pictures of their pitchers or pots. So I took the challenge.

Halloween day I took this pot (which was a wedding present), went out to the driveway and threw it down as hard as I could. My dog looked at me like I was nuts (maybe I was). Some of the pieces were still pretty big so I threw them down and broke them some more. Then I put all the pieces in a bowl and went to work glueing it all back together. It didn't take as long as I thought it would, but I had glue all over my fingers and had just about glued my fingers to the pot a few times.

Then it was done. And seemed to see my life before me. I felt so broken, so un-usable. This pot seemed un-usable now, right? I mean who keeps broken pottery? But then, another thought. (I think I heard this from this source as well). If I were to put water in this pot, it would all flow out onto whatever was around it. Just like me, if I have these cracks in me, and then fill me up with Jesus, Jesus will flow out onto whatever(whoever) is near me. There was a purpose for me.

Then I got an e-mail from someone about two pots that were used to carry water. The woman who carried them had to travel a distance to get the water and then back. One pot was a good pot, no cracks or anything, and all the water stayed in it the whole way back. The other pot had a few cracks and by the time they got back home it was empty because all the water would leak out. This pot felt so bad. Maybe the woman didn't realize that the pot had a crack. So one day the pot asked to woman why she kept using it to carry water when it could not hold water. It was not worthy to hold water. The woman said "look at the sides of the road that we travel to get water. One side, the flowers are dying and do not look good. The other side has the most beautiful flowers from being watered often. Dear pot, I have always known you have cracks, and that is why I filled you with water and carried you back. You watered my flowers so people could look at their beauty."

After reading this story I realized that God was speaking to me, about how He knows I have cracks. He knows I have not had a perfect life, but those cracks can be used to spill His Love out on the people around me. So today I pray that you would feel the love that is pouring out of my cracks. The cracks that were painful to get, but so very worth it if you are able to feel God's love through them.

Lord, let your love pour through me. I am broken, sometimes I am so weary I can't seem to go on. I sometimes hurt so bad that I can't stand it. But God, this is a part of life, it's a part of growing and learning to lean on You. Please help these "broken pots" come to know you in a deeper way so that they may pour Your love on those around them. In Your name I pray.
Amen

The voices in my head

I know, the title of the post sounds like I am absolutely crazy...maybe I am...lol. Ok, but seriously I wanted to share something that spoke to me today. I've been reading a book by Frank Peretti(sp?), and in the book he writes graphic scenes about battles going on between angels and demons. These demons in the book put thoughts inside the heads of some of the characters (kind of like voices inside a head except not actually physical). I got to thinking about how I listen to these voices so often. If I make a mistake I have the thought of 'you are so stupid'. If I don't like what I see in the mirror I think 'you are so ugly". When I think about my life and the things I've desired and have not gotten I think 'you didn't deserve them'. So many times I "hear" these voices in my head and I listen to them. They tell me I'm not a good wife, mother, worship leader, daughter, Christian, etc. What I need to be doing is listening to the voice of God (the voice of Truth). How many of you have "heard" these voices telling you lies and you believe them? Then I went to my voice lesson tonight and my voice instructor is having me sing the song "Softly and Tenderly" and the words just hit me:

"Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling
Calling for you and for me..."

I need to listen to that voice. That still, small voice that speaks the truth to my heart. This voice tells me "I loved you enough to die for you. You are so precious. I work all things for your good, even when bad things happen." I hope that you can allow the voice of God to overcome all the other "voices in your head".

Heavenly Father, I want to be in love with you more than I have ever been. I want your voice to be the one I hear on a daily basis. God I also pray for these women reading the blog that you would overcome the voices that lie to them and replace them with Your truth. I just claim this in Your precious and Holy Name.
Amen

Struggles

You know what's interesting? Sometimes when I think I have something to say or do that is encouraging to others, God tends to use it for me. When I posted about the Holidays being tough and gave advice on how to cope, I didn't realize that it would be me that needed it the most. I spent the past week struggling like crazy with depression and anger. And I forgot totally that my blog had the advice that I needed. I knew that to minister to others would ultimately be just as much a ministry to myself as those reading it. But I tend to forget that. I also wanted to share this, because I think it shows that I'm just a real-life woman who struggles with real-life issues. I'm not perfect and I will never claim to be. So if you didn't do so well during this Christmas season, it's ok. I didn't do so well either. Let's just keep hanging on to God and let him comfort us.

Heavenly Father, I struggled this Christmas season. I am sorry for the anger that got lashed out to my family members. Forgive me for forgetting that you were right there with me the whole time. I pray that even in my season of grieving that I would grow in You. I pray that you touch those who may be reading this. Show them who You truly are. I love You so much. Thank you for all you do for me. Amen.