"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:2b-3

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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Struggling today

I am really struggling today. I've had so many things happen to me in my life that have really tested me in learning who I'm here to please. I'm not here to please anyone on earth. Also, what I can or cannot do does not tell me how much worth I have. God tells me all of this and He loves me and thinks I'm worthy enough to send His son to save me. But on days like today I do not feel these truths in my heart. I "know" them, but it's hard to believe them. My life with my husband has not been what people consider "normal". I have a husband who has only one eye. When I say one eye...I don't just mean that his eyeball is missing. They took his eyelid and everything. He just has a large crater where his eye used to be. I don't love him any less, but it hurts when we are in a store and he gets looks of disgust. His eye did not define who he was, he's the same with or without it. Then take me, my body does not act like it should. I can do the normal stuff like walking, talking, that kind of thing (so some other people do have it worse than me), but it does not act like a woman's body should. I had trouble getting pregnant and when I would my body would not support a growing baby. My cycles never were normal and I was anemic most of the time. Now at the age of 31, never having my own baby, my "baby making parts" are all gone and have been gone for a year now. In my family, you are sort of judged by the kids you have and how you get those kids. My kids are all adopted and two of them we got as teenagers, so it's made a big difference how we and they are received. With our oldest, she has made some choices that have caused some hurt with our extended family. She hasn't always treated us and them with much respect. And now we are judged and because of that some of our family chooses not to visit us and isn't always happy when we visit them. It's very tough to be the one being punished for what my child has done. I don't think they always mean to do it, but we and my girls can feel how different they are welcomed into the family. My son, since we got him as a newborn, is welcomed more like the other grandkids. My girls notice that too. Quite a bit we've visited family at a holiday or a get-together and they rush over to our baby boy and ooh and aahh over him and my middle daughter (whose adoption was finalized only a month later than my sons) stands there feeling invisible. There are some who have never even yet, officially welcomed her into our family. I know they have had a different kind of life than the rest of them, but they deserve to feel like a real part of the family. It's so hard to watch that and feel like it's my fault that they feel this way. That they would be more welcome if I could have given birth to them, or at least adopted them as infants like our baby. Then there is the matter that we are not rich by any means. We get by, we don't have a lot of debt, we pay all our bills on time, but we don't have the money for all the latest gadgets. We don't have fancy smart phones, brand new laptops with all the best programs. I have a used mini laptop, the camera's I've owned have all been used. We are judged by the fact that we have older style cell phones, no ipads, we don't have cable or satellite, or a brand new fancy vehicle. I know that this stuff does no mean anything in the eyes of God. I know He does not judge me by the stuff I have, or even what I look like or how I succeeded in the worlds eyes. But it does not make it any easier. There's all these truths I know in my head, I know that it's the truth, but I can't make my heart understand all the time. I struggle with being accepted, I struggle with getting past the hurtful things said and done to me. I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'm not sure if it's the loss I've experienced or if "normal" people suffer too, but sometimes I just want to feel accepted. To do something that I feel people are proud of. Even though today I don't feel it, I will vent, get it out, and then try and remember the truth of God and His love for me. Maybe in reading the truth in His word and "hiding it in my heart" I will start to make my heart understand. Then I will be able to look these people in the eye and say to them, "It doesn't matter what you think, what you say, or how you act. I live for God and God only. He loves me and is proud of me even when you aren't." I love God with all my heart and I know in the end of this trial I will be stronger than I was before. But for now, please help me, my Lord, to put my faith in you and know that the rainbow is coming after the rain.

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