Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Sorry it's been awhile. I've had quite a summer. My long journey of trying for a baby of my own (and not succeeding) is somewhat over. After almost 9 years of infertility/losing babies, my issues got so bad that I ended up having a hysterectomy at the end of May. While this has ultimately given me more peace than I thought it would, I have my moments of feeling the loss so severe that I just want to sit down and cry. The idea that I will never carry my own child within my belly sometimes overwhelms me. I still question "why me?" at times. But then I look around me at the blessings God has laid before me and I know that this was His plan all along. I was not created to carry a child, I was created to love the children that are unwanted. I was chosen to be an adoptive mom. When I was little, my dream in life was to grow up and be a mommy. In my struggles in the past year, I have often thought that I did something to anger God and cause Him to "punish" me. This is so not true. The truth is that He loves me so much that He chose the best path for me. He knew that I longed for a child so much that I would accept a child not wanted by his/her parents. I would have the unconditional love for this child that was not created in my womb. Not everyone is chosen for this purpose. When I made the decision to end the chapter in my life of trying for my own baby, I cannot even describe the peace that washed over me. I was worried about my grief after it was over, but I knew that the peace of God would get me through. When I got out of my surgery, and was still somewhat out of it, I was crying...sobbing actually. I remember small bits of a nurse asking me why I was crying. I told her I didn't know why I was crying. I then asked for my "mommy". I remember my mom coming in and asking me the same question "why are you crying?" I still couldn't answer...or maybe wasn't coherent enough to know what to answer. In the days following my surgery (my mom stayed with me for almost a week), we discussed the fact that I had woke up from my surgery crying. I had been put under for other surgeries and had never cried. We both agree to this day that it was my body and soul grieving this devastating loss. Because I woke up with such grief in those first few moments, I have expected to have such grief that I couldn't face life. Look at the situation...this was my first and greatest dream...and it was now shattered. But God is a God of miracles and He has taken my grief and replaced it with a joy and a peace that passes all understanding. In earthly eyes I should be miserable, but I'm not. This is what our God can do for devastating grief. He can replace it with His joy and a peace that passes all earthly understanding. It doesn't matter what you feel you have had to "give up" in your life. I know that the loss of a uterus isn't quite like the loss of my babies, but it's kind of similar. It is the loss of dreams. I have looked at my choosing the hysterectomy like the story of Abraham and Isaac. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son he waited years and years for. But Abraham had faith enough to know that God would ultimately take care of the whole situation. He may not have understood, but he knew God was faithful and loving. In the end, God said "no, don't sacrifice your son" and sent a ram to sacrifice instead. I may question what God is doing when He asks me to give up my dreams, but I know that my God has bigger dreams for me than I even imagined and He IS faithful. Within a week or so of me picking my surgery date, God actually placed an infant adoption in our laps. We had adopted two teen girls, but I still desperately wanted a baby. I now wait on a baby boy to be born (any day now). I get to bring home him from the hospital and raise him as my own. God is faithful!