"...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:2b-3

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Delayed Grief

It seems for me, that I tend to grieve quite awhile after a significant loss. For instance, I lost my grandmother this summer and I really started grieving for her this fall. I've had times where I start crying and just can't stop. The same goes for my Isaac. I lost him on October 28th and I'm just now really getting to where I grieve over him. I can't sleep at night, and I think about him quite a bit during the day. But no matter how much I miss him and want to cry, I just can't. I know that it's in there, but it won't come out. I don't know if I'm afraid to start crying because I think it may not end. Or if I just hurt so bad, my body is saying no to crying. The other night I had to watch an extremely sad movie in order to have a good cry. But as soon as the movie was over, I was done crying. I've been up for quite awhile now and can't sleep...but I am still not able to cry. I know it will happen, I just know it. I pray that it's at an appropriate time. I am trusting God that He knows what He's doing. I know He's with me and carrying me through all of this. I even started having bad dreams when I sleep (at night or napping). I dream about having a baby and then the baby either dies or just goes away. I even had one dream that the baby turned into a kitten and my cat took it away. I know it seems silly to hear about it...but at the time I was just devastated and woke up crying. One other one, I had the baby and then I kept losing the blanket to wrap her up in...and eventually she just froze to death cause I couldn't keep the blankie on her. I know these dreams have some kind of significance of what is going on in my mind about this. But for now I just continue to go day by day and try and find joy in all the little things around me. It's all that keeps me going right now.

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