"Heart-Attack"

My heart hurts. And I am talking literally. No, I'm not having a heart-attack, at least not in the sense of a medical one. I'm having a really rough day for some reason. I am starting to feel this weird panic. I'm not one to get panicked for no reason, but as I sit in front of my parents tv, I'm having trouble breathing and my chest feels a tightness. I have a lump in my throat and I'm fighting tears.

Why is it that I am doing so well, I've accepted what very well could be my fate, and then it all falls apart? It hasn't made me cry for quite awhile. Then all of a sudden I feel an overwhelming longing that's been absent for months.

I need you, Lord. I'm falling and I need you to catch me. I'm longing for things that make me crazy, and I don't even know that I should be longing for them.

God, please tell me why it feels like when I desire something and I can't ever seem to have what I long for? It's making me crazy to wonder what it is you have in store for me if I'm not supposed to have what I want. I don't want to be out of Your will, but I want to have something. What do you really want from me? Please tell me. I want music, a baby, and my own house (in a certain place)....can I please have at least one of those?

I love you, Lord and I always will. I will never leave your side. I just want to kow what you want for my life. I want to know that I have a purpose. Please don't let me just sit quietly by myself not using my gifts for what you want.

Lord, I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. Please wrap your arms around me today and help me feel better.