Sacrifice

The last time I posted I told you about what's going on with us and our daughter. I have some good news to go along with that story. We talked to our daughters birth mother yesterday and without even being prompted to say it, told us that she wants us to keep her. She said that she cannot give our daughter the life that we can give her. So she was going to share this with our daughter and tell her to stay put. So in turn we promised weekly updates, pictures, dvd's of her activities (I video-tape everything already), and even a few visits.

To know that this woman really does love her birth daughter in this way, to give her up and admit that it's better here, makes me feel good. And to prove that I don't have hard feelings towards this woman, I am making her a scrapbook of the past two years with Martie. Who am I to keep pictures from her?

I still feel that we were supposed to give our daughter the option to leave. I also feel more than ever that I was supposed to be "Abraham" and prove that I would be able to "sacrifice" my daughter. But like that story, in the end, God provided another way.

I know sometimes God asks us to do hard things. And for me personally, it's hardest when He asks me to give something up. Even if I don't physically have to give it up, the idea of giving up on an idea, or just admitting that it's not mine to be selfish with, is very hard. I like to hold on to things. Like the idea of us having our own baby. I've had to completely give my desires up. And now that I truly have, I feel more joy than ever. Do I still sometimes want a little baby in my home? Absolutely! Am I ok if God never grants this? Yes, suprisingly I'm ok with this.

If I could challenge you with one thing, it would be this. If God is asking you to do something that seems impossible, don't hold off in doing it. Even if it seems like He's asking you to do something that doesn't make sense, there is a purpose in it. Trust Him and He will never let you down. I've been more blessed since I followed His leading in "giving-up" our daughter. He will bless you as well.

Old Testament Faith

Strange title for a post, right? If you are anything like me, you've read stories in the old testament and thought to yourself, "those times were different. God must have shown himself different. I could never be like these people." I have even been known to ask myself "are these people even real?"

I know in my heart that they are real and that they really lived, but it's hard to relate to them. They saw seas parted, they saw and heard God in burning bushes, they had manna provided everyday in miraculous ways, and on and on. I've often thought that I don't see these kind of miracles everyday, but yet, is that really true?

Maybe I do see these miracles, but I blind myself to the way that my God works.

I have to share a story that is going on in my life as we speak. I was thinking a bunch this morning and I now completely relate to an old testament "character."

Ever read the story about Abraham being told by God to take his son, Isaac, up on the mountain and sacrifice him? Does that not seem like a crazy, insane story? I've always questioned in myself why God would ask this of Him. I know that in the end God provides another sacrifice, but the God I know does not like people to murder other people. He's very strict on that one. So why ask someone to murder their own son?

I feel like Abraham right now. God asked me to do something with my own daughter that seems so crazy in the worlds eyes...and trust me, I've gotten some criticism. Our daughter found her birth mother and sisters last week, and she's been talking to them ever since. Who am I to stand in the way of that? I was having a hard time with it and feeling jealous because she is "mine." I was crying out to God about this and all of a sudden he just said to me very clearly, "you need to tell her that she can move back in with her birth mother and you will let her do that." I got a little angry. What kind of God would ask me to do that? Give up my only daughter? The one I waited so long to have in my life? I know we adopted her, but I love her like she's my own.

I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I screamed, I sobbed, and I finally was given a peace that God was with me no matter what. So I went to our pastor and asked his advice and he agreed with us. He felt we needed to do this as well. Ok, here goes some blind faith.

So last night we talked to our daughter and told her that we were giving her the option to live with her birth mother if that's what she really wanted (provided the courts would allow this transition...we don't want her in a dangerous situation). She has not given an answer yet, but she is seriously thinking hard about this.

So here I sit, at the alter with my daughter, waiting to possibly sacrifice her. Is God going to send another sacrifice in her place? Will he really have me sacrifice her? I don't know. The only thing I know right now, is that my God is faithful. He's always there. No matter what He will always take care of us and my daughter. And most of all I've learned that my daughter is really not my own. She belongs to God and is just on loan.

I believe now, that these people who lived so long ago, were just real people like us. It doesn't always share it, but I bet they had doubts. I bet they questioned God's plan in their life. I bet even when they made the choice to follow God no matter what, they didn't just jump up and say "hallelujah, God spoke to me." I bet they sat and prayed and questioned just for a short while.

I don't think they were "above human" in any way. We just have a hard time relating with people that we've never met and didn't get to see all the "behind-the-scenes" reactions going on.

I'm also reminded that this awesome God that I serve, gave up His son too. Only there was no substitute sacrifice there. His Son really was murdered. He was beaten beyond recognition, a crown of sharp, very long thorns was place on/"in" his head, carried his own cross up a hill when he had no strength left, and then was nailed (hands and feet) to this cross to suffer and die. All because He wanted me to be saved by His blood to spend eternity with Him. I am a sinner (as is everyone else), but His blood washes me clean and I am forgiven.

Please remember that no matter what kind of sacrifice you've had to give in your life, our God knows. And He understand what it's like to sacrifice something you love dearly. Won't you reach out to Him?

Progress

So I think I made progress in my grieving today. If you had talked to me a couple days ago it would not have been pretty. I flat out told my husband that I plan to stay bitter and angry because that's just the way I want to be. I was sick of trying to "get over it". I was noticing my energy level going way down. I literally was not able to get out of bed in the mornings...and if I did get out of bed, I went right back after my husband and daughter were gone. What kind of life is that?

So today after listening to an inspiring show on "Family Life Today" I made a huge decision. I'm sick of being bitter and angry. I want to move in with my life. I want to be an out-going, happy-go-lucky woman who makes people smile. That can use her story to inspire and help change lives for the better.

I guess God had to let me throw my little "fit" and then gently show me that a life of bitterness and anger is not a fun one. It takes so much more energy to be angry and bitter. As much as I wanted that, looking at it now...why would I want that?

And what is really crazy is that today at lunch (after I made my decision) my wonderful husband came home and commented that I looked like I had a bunch more energy. I then noticed that I did, and my house even looked cleaner for that. Go happiness!!!

No, this does not mean that I won't ever miss or grieve for my babies (right now especially Lily). It just means that my life won't revolve around her loss. I will still probably cry a little when my sis-in-law has her baby (my nephew). I will probably cry a little on her due date, and maybe even on a few other anniversary dates...but I choose not to live my life around bitterness and anger.

Isn't God so good? He was such a gentleman about this situation. He let me fall on my own, but gently picked me up and dusted me off. Then He wrapped His arms around me and assured me it was ok to miss those we've lost. I'm pretty sure He even shed a few tears over my coming back to Him and choosing to break the cycle of bitterness and even my hurt over my loss.

There is so much to live for. Like I've said before, I have a wonderful husband and an awesome daughter. What more could I ask for?